This is Insanity

three

2006-08-30T12:34:00.000-04:00

My hands smell like vinegar for some reason, and I can not stop smelling them.

I used to share my office area with 4 others, now its just me and one guy left. He's a nice, pretty quiet, hard working guy ... today he has really rank gas.

I am going to Ireland in 2 weeks from today and I am not at all prepared. I mean I don't even know how to say "hello" in Leprechaun yet.

they like me they really like me

2006-08-24T12:29:00.000-04:00

You see that ... in the comments of my last post? Someone actually left a goddamn comment. AND it was someone I don't even know or has ever left a comment on my blog before. Not only that, they asked me my opinion on something ... MY opinion. I feel so gosh darn special. Unlike my asshole friends who never comment or acknowledge my existence. Ok ok maybe that's partly my fault because let's face it this blog has been shite lately. But speaking of my jerk ass friends I was thinking ... after being back in Nova Scotia I thought a lot about the time when I did in fact have lots of friends. Friends who I saw and did things with on a regular basis. That was long before I moved to this god forsaken place and turned 30. But I can't really use my location and age for lack of thriving social life can I? Well I am going to so fuck off. Actually truth be told, with my family and boyfriend and the few people I do actually go out with, I have a busy enough schedule ... did I mention I am antisocial and lazy?

What the hell was this post supposed to be about anyway? Oh yeah my friends and how they treat me so horribly and how I am so nice to them ... or was it about my opinion about dress codes that the commenter (we'll call him or her the fan) asked. So as I was saying about my friends and being back in Nova Scotia, I was thinking and well you know, when I was in high school and even in university for the first time around, I thought I was pretty cool. Yeah I did, I thought I listened to the best music, wore cool clothes and was generally "into" cool stuff. At the time this was very important to me. I guess it is to everyone as they are trying to find their identity at that age. What is funny is that now I don't care so much, sure I would like to have nice clothes and I obviously think the music I listen to is good but overall, eh, whatever. I would certainly not snub my nose and openly mock someone because they like Nickleback ... oh wait yes I would. Well they deserve to be openly mocked, you can't deny it. Anyhow, I realized that, in retrospect, I was never all that cool to begin with. Oh the shock, the horror. I know, I know .... it is hard to deal with realizing you were never really terribly cool. The funny thing is that I always had all these really cool friends ... and I have no idea how that came about. They are still cool and well I am still a dork, it just shows more now.

Well after this post I am sure the 3 friends that I have that do read this will no longer want to be my friend ... eh well they never commented on my blog anyway ... what kind of friends are those I ask you.

As for my opinion on dress codes anonymous fan. I think they are a necessary evil, because some people need to have guidance on how to dress appropriately. Unless we're talking about stupid dress codes, like all females must wear skirts or dresses and pantyhose everyday. But generally I think I can abide by my works dress code of no baring my chest or wearing PVC ... everyone knows that's weekend wear, duh!

lazy days

2006-08-23T07:27:00.000-04:00

Today this morning my alarm went off at its usual time. I never hit snooze. The snooze button is an evil little addiction that lets you stay in bed for an extra half hour making you late for work but not actually getting any extra sleep because the thing goes off every 9 minutes and you have to roll over and hit it again. I used to be a horrible snooze button addict but I put those days behind me back in high school ... well today I had a relapse, I hit the thing twice. I wasn't particularly tired I just didn't want to get up. The temptation to call into work sick was overwhelming, but I am not sick and I would end up feeling really guilty and unable to enjoy my fake sick day and with my luck I would end up getting really sick next week and therefore look like the lying bitch I was. And well I like my job I don't really want to get fired or reprimanded or have a talking too. Besides, thanks to several pinched nerves in my neck and a cold I had for like 8 weeks at the beginning of the year I think I have used quite enough sick days already. But don't you just wish you could call in "lazy" ... hi Dolores, this is Tree I am not coming into work today ... no no everything is fine I am just lazy and bored coming into work day after day and I thought sitting around my apartment doing nothing all day would be a nice change of pace.

Maybe we could be allotted 5 lazy days a year. But see that wouldn't work because then you'd have the jack asses that would abuse it and take them all together and go to the Dominican for a week or something, turning it from lazy days into vacation days which are entirely different. I hate those people always ruining it for the rest of us.

skinny feet

2006-08-22T17:36:00.000-04:00

Check out this photo of me ... yes ok I realize that the flash didn't go off and it's so dark you probably didn't even realize that I was in this picture at all, but I am hoping that if you click the picture it will become larger on your monitor and you will be able to see it. If you do that and you can see it I just want to point out two things about this photograph. Firstly, it doesn't really look like me all that much, in fact I think I look just like Carolyn (for those that know her). Carolyn I hope you don't look at it and shriek in horror that I think I look like you or that this photo looks like you, it's not a bad photo well except for the fact that its so dark you can't see anything and well my feet. Which brings me to my second point. Check out my damn feet ... do I not have the worlds skinniest bony feet? It's gross, not only that they were swollen due to the mosquito bites I got the night before ... swollen pretty badly and still .... well you can see for yourself .... or maybe not. God damn it's a wonder I can walk at all.

Now I will have to publish it to see if this works.

*** it did not work, you cannot see me at all nor my feet when you enlarge the photo, oh well you will just have to take my word for it ... I am a stunning creature with beautiful feet

take this file and shove it

2006-08-22T14:53:00.000-04:00

So I am sitting at my desk at work, and yes I KNOW I shouldn't be blogging, but I am actually trying to do some work, but our little file area is next to my office, I mean cubicle, I mean cubbyhole where my desk is. And well the fight continues over the ownership of several large cabinets of files. Its a full out administrative assistant war. I want to beat my head against a wall listening to them bicker over and over again about who owns the files.

Here's the gist of it. About 2 months ago a guy who used to work with me took a position in a different department and as a result a lot of the work he did (although it is up to debate as to whether or not we can call it work but I digress) also got transferred to that department. Part of an internal restructuring that was done. So now all the files he needed and created as part of his job are in the middle of a war, and nobody wants them. After two months of listening to them bitch and freak out at one another I am pretty much fed up. I am about to scream. I tell you what I want to do is beat them both with the damn files and tell them to fucking deal with it ... its fucking files. If the new department doesn't want them then put them all in storage, and if they don't like it then tell them to take the damn things. But if I have to listen to anymore of this idiotic arguing I am going shove one of the filing cabinets up each of their arses ... ahhh they seem to have stopped, perhaps they can read my mind ... nah if that was the case they would have stopped talking to me ages ago.

Back to work I go.

water closet

2006-08-08T17:23:00.000-04:00

So ok it's been a month, what can I say? My life is boring. Actually I was in Nova Scotia for a week visiting friends and family and better yet introducing my boyfriend, who came with me, to friends and family. It was a very successful trip. In fact I get the feeling that my friends and family like him more than they like me. But hey what can I say? I have good taste in men. But did my parents really have to buy him a present and give me nothing ... well ok they gave birth to me and fed and clothed me and the love stuff sure, but hellooooo maybe I would like some presents too.

He had a great time too, in fact he was happier then I think I have ever seen him for such a long period. Not that he's miserable or anything but it was just a whole week of a really good happy mood even when I was having a pissy fit or two. Again what can I say? He's a great guy, but I'll stop with the gushing over my boyfriend, he will get mad at me.

So on the last night of the trip we stopped in Cornwall for the night. It was great because it had a nice big indoor pool. We went for a swim, got a pizza watched TV and had all the sex we missed while staying with my parents. Well ok maybe not all of it, but you know, it was a hotel so we put forth our best effort.

I was dead tired after all the pizza and swimming ;) and I was sleeping like a rock. But of course being me and being cursed with what has to be the worlds smallest bladder I woke up at some ungodly hour really needing to pee. I was still mostly asleep but I got up anyway. I didn't want to turn on the lights because that hurts when you are asleep and the room is dark and you turn on the light. Even in the dark I couldn't manage to open my eyes very much ... or maybe I was just asleep. I get to the bathroom door and I try to walk in but there was something in my way. What the hell? So I feel down and its some sort of rack. So I figure Jason had taken our swimsuits off the shower curtain rod and had laid them out to dry on this clothes rack. So I start to pull it out but its awkward and heavier then the clothing rack and I say "hey!! what did you do? why did you put this here?" Waking up my boyfriend who proceeded to get up and put the suitcase rack back in the closet and steer me in the direction of the bathroom.

He was, of course, laughing. As was I once I got to the bathroom and managed to wake up. So luckily the rack was there. Nothing like think the hotel closet is the can when you're still asleep and trying to pee.

the wonderful, wonderful mustache

2006-07-07T12:45:00.000-04:00

Why do so many police men have moustaches? I think we can safely say that moustaches have been out of style for about 25 years. Yeah they're so out of style that they are coming back in right? Well not really. Unless you're doing the whole handlebar/sideburn thing ... even then it can go very wrong, only certain people can pull it off. The goatee is the moustache of the past 10 years, mind you this could all change in 6 months. All that being said, why does it seem a high percentage of the police force, as compared to the rest of society, are mustachioed? Why? Is it some sort of ranking, do you have to have arrested 100 people of which at least 20 of them had to be murderers, 10 resisted arrest and 15 were armed. None of this drunk and disorderly crap for the permission to grow a mustache.

It would seem to me that mustachioed men are likely to fall into one of these categories (with their likelihood in percentage).

Police 40%
Military 30%
burn out who still thinks its 1982 and actually enjoys the Doobie Brothers 13%
biker 10%
gay bondage guy 3%
cowboy 2%
older man whose prime was in the 50's/60's/70's and is trying to revive that look 2%

Is it just me who notices this, someone should really do a study.

And this is what goes through my mind on a Friday at work, I can't control it.

we're going

2006-07-04T22:30:00.000-04:00

It's official, Tracy and I bought our tickets to Ireland tonight. I will be eating and drinking and in a general state of merriment on my 32nd birthday in a pub somewhere in Dublin. I wasn't sure we would pull it together since our only mutual available time to travel this year is for 2 weeks in the middle of September, but we did it. Now I have to book the car rental ... or rather, hire a car (getting into the state of mind ... lol). I want to (and will have to) drive but I am completely petrified at the same time. I foresee goodtimes on the motorway(read: screaming and yelling and panicking and maybe even crying on the motorway) ... why can't they just drive on the right like a civilized nation? I am going to be popular on the Emerald Isle I can just tell.

excuses

2006-07-04T12:21:00.000-04:00

These are my genuine excuses for not going to the gym after work today ... kind of sad when I write them down like that. Looks like I'll be going after all.

I am too tired, I didn't sleep last night
I am dehydrated from the hot weekend
It's too damn hot, the gym will be roasting
I'll be so hungry after work I'll start shaking and won't be able to do anything
I won't get home until 6:30 and I won't want to cook so I'll end up getting fast food and getting fat and the gym work will be all for nothing anyway
My gym bag smells funny I need a new one, then I'll go all the time
My MP3 Player earphones are broken, I need new ones, then I'll go all the time
It'll be full of kids doing their after school thing ... wait school is over, their summer program
When I went last Tuesday I felt sick to my stomach and almost passed out, then I was sick on Thursday ... bet I picked it up at the gym, germy freaks working out
It hurts ... it hurts and I hate pain ... there, I said it

***Turns out I couldn't go to the gym because I had to work this evening. I think I would have rather gone to the gym, of course.

hvac

2006-06-22T08:02:00.000-04:00

Dear whom ever controls the goddamn heating and ventilation at my work;

What the hell is wrong with you, seriously, what is wrong? Did we do something to piss you off? Tell us and we will right the wrong. Do you just not turn on the ventilation some days, do you think the fact that the building smells like feet and like people have been sleeping in here all night and sometimes even like cat food please you. What kind of sadistic jack ass are you? Why does it give you pleasure to turn the AC on so high when it's 35 outside that it's only about 10 degrees inside so we have to wear sweaters and long pants and then want to puke the second we attempt to step outside to run to our cars. What possesses you to keep the air conditioning blasted like this after the heat wave stops and its only 20 degrees outsides. And does Satan himself tell you that the day the humidity and heat come back to turn the ventilation off completly so all the employees can get headaches and sweat like pigs because they all wore warm clothes expecting it to be about 10 degrees. Please give us the answers, because this is getting out of hand. Seriously, stop messing with us. We are on the verge of revolting and it won't be pretty when we drag your sorry ass out of the basement and stone you to death on the front lawn ... not pretty at all.

Sincerely,
Hot, sweaty, headachy, feels like she can't breath, angry employee of the second floor.

a little something for gay pride week

2006-06-21T12:55:00.000-04:00

I once had this boyfriend who was a little naive or maybe he was just stupid. Naive, stupid ... whatever you want to call it, I had hoped he was just naive at the time, but well you can only get away with naive for so long before it's just plain stupidity. Sometimes he said or asked the stupidest things. For example: One day he and I are driving through town and we are behind some gay guys car. At least I strongly suspected he was gay because he had a rainbow sticker on the back of his car. Not a really huge "look at me I am gay and proud" flag just one of those long thin ones, under the window of his hatchback. Now stupid ex boyfriend ... sorry I mean naive ex boyfriend says to me "I like that sticker" and I say "yeah it's cool". Of course I am being equally stupid at this point because I assume he knows what it is and I made the other rash assumption that he thought it was cool that people are proudly displaying their gayness without fear. (That sounded terribly bigoted of me didn't it ... gayness? Well you know what I am saying.) So then he says "I wonder where I can get one for my truck"

I almost died laughing.

You gotta understand, stupid ex boyfriend was a man's man and not in the rainbow flag kind of way. Although I knew what a big fat cry baby he was in private, in public he wanted to be seen as all tough and manly (even though he liked rainbows? I know he was an enigma in that way, I cannot explain, he also thinks getting the guys to get him hot chocolate with extra whipped cream in the mornings instead of coffee is manly, but I digress). So wiping the tears away from my eyes I asked him "Don't you know what that is?" Well then he got embarrassed and said "What? It's just a rainbow sticker, I like rainbows I think it's different." I laughed some more before I told him it was a gay pride sticker. He got all angry at me for laughing at him, which yes perhaps was cruel but come on ... where the hell have you been living, under a rock. It's not like he grew up in the middle of some small town where homosexuality is still an unmentioned secret. He grew up in a big suburb outside a big city.

My only regret is that I didn't keep a straight face and go buy him one and give it to him as a present.

Epilogue
He asked everyone he knew if they knew what it was and the only one who didn't was his mom.

stupid birds

2006-06-20T07:02:00.000-04:00

We can now add birds to the list of things/people/places or animals that torment me. Seriously, why the hell do birds have to be so fucking loud at 5 am then stop at 5:15 after they have successfully awaken me but its too late to go back to bed ... why? My boyfriends house is near a lake his backyard sounds like a goddamn bird sanctuary at 5 am. It's ridiculous. And yeah all you bird lovers out there can tell me how much you love the sounds of birds chirping and there's no better way to wake up.

In theory this is nice, in theory. In theory perms are nice too, but let's face it, in reality not so much. If I am not making any sense its the lack of sleep caused by the stupid birds.

What the hell are they saying in the morning anyway?? Stupid birds.

repeat after me ... diamond earrings

2006-06-19T17:06:00.000-04:00

There is a jewelry store here (I think they are in the western part of Canada too) that specializes in diamonds and engagement rings. They have annoying radio commercials playing all the time about how great they are because they have their own diamond buying office in Antwerp. Before Christmas and Valentines day the ad campaign gets pretty intense with stuff like ... she puts up with your crap all year long now buy her diamonds and you'll get that dirty thing you like so much that she's been avoiding for months, or my personal favourite, she's gonna dump your sorry ass if you don't propose this Valentines day, in fact she's probably eyeing up your best friend right now. Ok they are a little more tactful but basically they are completely pushy commercials telling guys to propose or they face being dumped ... oh and come buy their rings.

I guess since it's not near any major proposal type holidays and they have shoved enough "we cut out the middleman" ads down our throats they decided to take a new approach. Now if it were me, I would suggest they do a little ad that says something like ... maybe if you aren't ready to get married some diamond earrings would be swell ... because surely you can make jewelry other than engagement rings out of diamonds. But no, sadly they chose a different direction.

The commercial basically starts off with the incredible realization that diamond rings are not just engagement rings. Why, they can just symbolize commitment in general, that's right guys, maybe she just wants a diamond ring to show to the world she's in a committed relationship. It goes on to say that guys are probably unaware of how many men have been checking out their girlfriends ring finger then proceed to hit on her when they don't see a ring and it's very uncomfortable for her. Why would you do that to her? Why? All she wants to do is show the world she's in a committed relationship, she loves you and doesn't want to stray, what's so bad about that? And guys, should she really have to buy the ring herself?? You don't have to be engaged or call it an engagement ring or even give it a name, because chances are no one will even ask what it's called.

Lets put this in a bit of perspective shall we. Let me share with you how I see this shaking down, pretend with me are watching a couple and well you know, it's been a year, and they're in love and it's going just swell, they're happy and starting to think of the future. Then the wonderful guy shows up one day and gives the lovely lady this little black box and she opens it up and whoa! It's a diamond ring. So once she's stopped puking from this blind siding.

She says "Why yes I will marry you, I love you!" (or no but will go with yes for dramatization purposes)

And he says "oh well .. um ... it's not an engagement ring exactly."

She says "WTF? Well what is it then?"

He says "Well you know just to show the world we're in a committed relationship."

She says "So you don't want any other guys to hit on me, to try to sleep with me, you just want everyone to know I 'BELONG' to you, is that it then?"

He says " No I love you I just want everyone to know I love you ... to see that we are committed"

She says "But you don't want to marry me? What's wrong with me? Do you EVER want to get married? or is it just me that you don't want to marry?"

He says "Well I just don't think we're ready yet?"

She says "Well when will you be ready?"

It could have also ended with the girl getting so completely excited, that she's called friends and family and set dates and asked her sister to be her maid of honour, all before he had a chance to say it was just a commitment ring. And before he knows it he's walking down the aisle cursing the lying jackasses at the jewelry store wondering if divorces really cost as much as everyone says they do.

But let's pretend for a minute that he convinces her that he does indeed love her but neither of them are quite ready for the step of marriage yet. And she accepts this "commitment" ring.

So now she wears the ring to work. That's right, every single woman (and some men) she sees at work will ask the following three questions: "When did he ask?" "How did he ask?" and "When is the big day?" And oh how much fun it will be for her to answer back "Ah well you know it's not an engagement ring" Oh the looks of pity, the questions, the gabbing behind the back ... it would all happen. Ditto for friends .. and good lord a family function ... just imagine!!! "Well no Aunt Pearl, we are just in a committed relationship ... yes I know he won't buy the cow if he can get the milk for free ... what's that? ... no I don't think an 'unplanned' pregnancy would do the trick ... really we just aren't quite ready yet"

Is it just me or would telling the guy checking you out that you either have a boyfriend, that you're a lesbian or you just aren't interested would be a tad easier than that.

Can I just add that diamond earrings come with no commitment strings.

so delightful

2006-06-19T08:02:00.000-04:00

Why is it that once you add the word "delight" to menu item it suddenly seems so incredibly unappetizing.

Even more perplexing, why do people/cafeterias continue to do it?

in a big country

2006-06-12T18:31:00.000-04:00

This is where I escaped to for a few days. I took this picture on a hike ... absolutely beautiful.

I caught some fish too ... ok so I broke my line, lost the lures, the bait and half the reel. My boyfriend was being really sweet and gave me his nice fancy rod to use, I promptly got the line caught in the motor and tore off half of his line and lost his lures, hooks and bait too. Then I caught my line again and broke it. But then ... then I caught a fish!!! A good sized one too but I threw him back, so no pictures. It was fun, well except the line caught in the motor thing, but we'll just pretend that didn't happen.

hate

2006-06-12T11:55:00.000-04:00

Somebody ended up at my blog by typing this into the blog search engine

"single 30 year old" sad

Right now would be the time to insert a witty comeback but after reading that I am far to depressed to think of anything other than ... I hate you

it's been so long

2006-06-02T17:33:00.000-04:00

Alright just one more list ... it's not meant to be inspiring by any stretch of the imagination.

It's been so long since I went to the gym that ...

I didn't know how or where to swipe in because the entire lobby had been renovated ... I thought I walked into the wrong place
my trainer called me last week to see if everything was alright
I forgot the combination to my lock and I had to spend about 5 minutes trying to remember it
my gym pants are too small ... I would really, really like to believe they shrunk in the wash but I have my doubts because ...
my sports bra felt 2 sizes to small, and not in the boobage area ... in the back
I thought I was going to have to get off the bike after 3 minutes ... I am not joking
I didn't recognize over half the staff working (I was on a pleasant chit chat basis with most of the staff before)
the staff that I did recognize didn't seem to recognize me
I couldn't remember how to do those squats right
I could barely open doors this morning because my arms were so sore

that didn't really work

2006-06-02T17:14:00.000-04:00

The lists posted earlier were an attempt at positive thinking. I was feeling down and annoyed today, even though last night was the first night in a very long time that I actually had a full nights sleep during the week.

I started with the things I love because I find I spend most my time expressing all the things I hate. It sounded easier said then done. And true to form the fact that list took me so long write made me feel kind of shitty. So I wrote another one. Places I want to go. This made me feel good for the 5 minutes it took me to write the list. Fantasizing about the places I would like to see. Then I got depressed, thinking that there is a damn good chance I will not get to visit a lot of those places. With the exception of Ireland, I am currently planning a trip there, and Banff because its within Canada. And to be honest I probably wouldn't even really like India or Africa (depending where I went) because I don't care so much for the heat.

So then I thought ... well maybe if I listed 10 pretty interesting places I have visited it would make me realize that I have seen some sites and inspire me. Then that list made me realize that it was a very long time ago that I traveled anywhere except NYC and Key West. So then that bummed me out and had me wondering what the hell happened to me ... have I changed? am I a different person? then I thought about it some more and realized those places aren't even that exotic or exciting, they are the same places everyone goes. Then I just felt worse. It's all got to do with my frame of mind at the moment I suppose.

Lesson Learned: Feel good exercises don't work for me.

Good News: A thunder storm has just rolled in.

10 cities i have visited

2006-06-02T17:11:00.000-04:00

London, England
Edinburgh, Scotland
Paris, France
Salzburg, Austria
Budapest, Hungary
Venice, Italy
Prague, Czech Republic
Barcelona, Spain
Amsterdam, the Netherlands
New York City, USA

10 places i want to go

2006-06-02T16:54:00.000-04:00

India
China
Africa (not sure exactly where in the above three)
Norway/Sweden
Russia
Banff
Ireland
Thailand (but not Bangkok)
Belize
New Zealand

10 things i love

2006-06-02T16:50:00.000-04:00

thunder and lightening storms
the ocean
iced cappuccino
emails from my boyfriend
unexpected gifts
red wine
british detective shows
games
musicals
raspberries

the dress code revisited

2006-05-09T12:25:00.000-04:00

I know I have written about this before but I am going to write about the office dress code one more time. People who complain about them should stop, and I'll tell you why.

Yesterday morning I was in the cafeteria on the main floor of my building getting my tea and bagel. There was a woman in front of me in line wearing black leather pants ... sorry let me rephrase that ... tight, tapered black leather pants with little high heeled booties and a shirt .... how shall I describe the shirt well it was more like a short sleeve sweater. It was crocheted along the neck line for a thick crocheted band across her upper chest but then she turned around I could see it was a lovely plunging crocheted V in the back. The sweater was not long, came right to her waist and it was this COLOUR not only that you could see her black bra through the lovely crocheting in the back. It was horrible, HORRIBLE. She was not young and trying to do that hip 80's throw back look either, she was probably in her mid forties and this outfit looked like it was her favourite "Ma, I am going to the Misty Moon* so don't wait up" outfit from 1986 ok maybe 87.

So here's my point, this outfit was in no way violating the dress code ... yes it violates fashion sense, yes it violates common sense, yes it violates the senses in general, but the dress code it does not. So imagine what this woman would wear if there were no dress code ... think about that for a minute, because I am pretty sure she knows exactly what the dress code states as she is walking its fine line. And yes, if you have read this blog before I am pretty damn sure it is the same woman who wore the head to toe zebra striped denim atrocity on casual Friday a few months back.

*The Misty Moon was this club back in Halifax in the 80's, the kind of club that played 80's rock like Heart and was full of mullets and mustaches. I went there once, it was 1992 shortly before it closed, I was 17 or 18. There was a Kiss cover band playing ... I mean a full make-up Kiss cover band. I may have had a little to much to drink, I may have told a hooker to go do something nasty to herself outside on the corner, I may have sung along to the Kiss songs, I may have left and missed the stairs outside and fell completely on my face ... that's the kind of club it was ... but it as so long ago, I can't really remember.

Disclaimer: I am by no means put off by women in their 40's wearing leather pants and thinking they look hot. I found it equally stupid on the 20 something girl down the hall who actually looked hip ... it's an office, not a club.

back to square one

2006-05-05T08:06:00.000-04:00

My free counter stopped working, so I had to get a new and improved one. Unfortunately I had to reset the counter back to zero. At first this annoyed me but now I can kind of start anew.

I had been so neglectful of this blog, I need a fresh start and let me say I have sooooo many interesting and important things to blog about. For instance, my boyfriends brand new comfortable bed ... well brand new mattresses anyway. I keep showing up and sleeping over since he moved. He says he doesn't mind but I think he's just being nice ... I want to sleep there every night now ... he's going to get very sick of me asking if I can come over very soon. Isn't that exciting? AND I have more blogs like that to come ... lucky people. Ok Ok I'll try to write something a little more interesting like why I hate trampolines and how exactly do I choose toilet paper at the supermarket. Stay tuned. But for now I must work.

no excuses, just lazy

2006-05-04T12:42:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had intended on going to the gym after work, I had my gear in the car and everything. But like every other time I brought my gym gear to work for the past ... oh I dunno 8 weeks, something came up that prevented me from going. Something like a bad day or an evening appointment or a late meeting or more exciting plans or dinner or shopping or a hair appointment or a rumbling in my tummy or I was just too damn tired. Yesterday I had a good excuse though, a pinched nerve in my back/neck but being a trooper I was going to go do a bit of cardio anyhow, but I ended up getting an appointment for a massage right after work. I had a pinched nerve in the same spot last winter, it was really bad ... really, really bad, I had to take a day off work just to get high on muscle relaxants to get it out. It's not nearly that bad this time, but it is uncomfortable.

Where the hell was I going with this? I totally lost my train of thought, did I just want to bitch about my back and how the massage hurt so bad and my back is killing me today and I don't know if it is the result of the rather powerful massage (she used her elbows for gods sake) or from the pinched nerve or from those annoying muscles under my shoulder blade I can feel spasming like they're having a party, an annoying loud pissing me off party ... you know the kind, the kind that keep you up all night because the music is so loud you can hear the bass 3 blocks away and its making your dishes rattle, and there's yelling and screaming and god forbid karaoke and probably would have been fun if your asshole neighbours had invited you ... yeah like that kind of annoying. Where the hell was I going with this??? Nowhere by the looks of it ... ok just reread it ... the gym ... was talking about my lazy ass avoiding the gym.

So anyway I was rather proud of myself for ALMOST going to the gym after work, but oh the massage hurt, but I had such good intentions, and besides paving the road to hell good intentions are better than no intentions ... am I right? Of course I am it's my blog, I am always right. So all smug for this good intention I am feeling pretty good except for the pain that is known as therapeutic massage. Five minutes in the door and doesn't my trainer call. He says "Hey Tree it's Mike" I was like "yeah, Miiiike" you know saying his name long because you don't know who the hell Mike is and your brain is like a filofax flipping through names of people you know ... Mike Mike Mike ... Mike? the guy I dated a few times like 4 years ago? Why are you calling me?

It had been so long since I saw my trainer that a guy I went on 2 dates with came to mind before he did ... oh the shame. He finally says "Mike from the gym, where have you been?" I considered lying outright and saying Africa but then I knew I would have to make up some huge story as to what I have been doing in Africa for the past 8 weeks, and well, I was tired I didn't have it in me. So I just said "yeah I have been REALLY busy, I hurt my back too" "oh how did you hurt your back?" he says, like he really is concerned ... fucker ... "probably because I haven't been going to the gym ... HAPPY? Are you happy? does it make you feel good that my laziness caught up with me and my bum shoulder came back to haunt me and I gained weight too. Does it make you happy that I have no self discipline. Well DOES it?" ok I left the last part out.

So now I have an appointment next Tuesday, and I am happy to be getting back into it, it will help boost my spirits, but I just know it's going to hurt next week ... a lot.

wtf stupid bot

2006-05-02T17:29:00.000-04:00

Well it's not just me, blogger is screwy too. That last post I actually wrote a week ago and posted a week ago, but no matter what I did it just wouldn't show up on my blog ... so like a champ I gave up and called blogger some bad names and declared I would not be blogging until it sorts itself out. Well someone commented on my blog today and poof there it is all of the sudden. I figure bloggerbot just didn't want to waste it's precious time posting something no one was reading anyway ... yeah well up yours bloggerbot, someone did read it.

Anyway, this post is really more of a test to see if I can get the damn thing working. If I can I have been feeling inspired to write so I may actually try to salvage this blog yet.

where'd all the fun go?

2006-04-24T08:12:00.000-04:00

My blog has turned into a very boring blog the past few months. I am not sure what happened. I never seem to have time or maybe nothing funny happens to me these days. I have been suffering from some serious stress lately which is in turn giving me nightly anxiety attacks so on top of being stressed out I am tired all the time too. I could use this blog to bitch about all the things that make me feel this way but I have a few reasons why I am not. First off, bitching about work is fucking boring to anyone who doesn't work with me (and even for them) and secondly, I would sound like a raving lunatic.

I think a lot of my problem is being brought on by none other than yours truly, I don't know why but my mind does not like reason lately, doesn't want to have any part of it. It's getting annoying. As you can see by the tone of this post anything I would have posted would be damn boring and not fun in the least. My apologies.

wednesday's words of wisdom

2006-04-12T12:54:00.000-04:00

Rare is the person who can weigh the faults of others without putting his thumb on the scales. -Byron J. Langenfeld

is that what i think it is?

2006-03-31T12:25:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty damn good day yesterday. Highlights include having a job interview and getting the promotion, having a good performance evaluation and goal setting session with my boss and starting to plan a possible trip to Ireland with a friend of mine. The Ireland thing may not work out, but we are seriously looking into it and making some plans, getting some prices etc. So it was pretty exciting. This was all topped off with a celebratory dinner with the boyfriend, who looked all handsome wearing the sweater I bought him for Xmas. Well I lie, it was all topped off with some lovin from said boyfriend after dinner ... during dinner would have just been rude to the other patrons in the restaurant I think ... we're pretty thoughtful like that.

So how lucky can a girl be ... well not that lucky apparently. This morning I was all smiles and happy and humming when I crawled out of bed at 6:15. You know those mornings? You're so happy you are start to make your self sick when you catch a glimpse of your smiling face in the mirror or you realize you are singing a Carpenters song. I have plans to go out straight after work with some work friends for the evening. So I put on my jeans and my black blouse and put some hot rollers in my hair in a futile attempt to give it some body. I then go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and put on my make up. I guess I should tell you that I had yet to put on my glasses at this point. So I start to put on the foundation powder and I am all smiles and "I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation and the only explanation I can find is the love that I've found ever since you've been around ..." is running around in my head and then I start to blend in the powder to my neck. What the fuck is that ... it can't be ... no ... it just can't ... but oh it is ... yes it's a big fucking hickey ... a hickey ... I am 31 years old and my boyfriend gave me a hickey. Good god. So the blouse was a no go I had to put on a turtle neck to cover the whole thing.

Well now I am wearing this huge turtle neck and its 19 degrees outside ... 19 ... I am sweating like crazy. 19 in March feels like 30 in the summer.

Editors notes:
-In his defence by big I mean a rather large area of badly broken blood vessels not a really dark purple perfectly mouth shaped hickey 14 year olds use to mark their territory but still .... a hickey nonetheless.
-I was also perhaps exaggerating about the Carpenters song running through my head , it was added strictly for dramatic purposes I was actually singing Baby Got Back.

compliments

2006-03-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

Compliments are funny things. I got lots of compliments on my new hair cut this morning, it must have looked particularly good this morning. It's just different I guess, and as someone pointed out in the comments earlier I am resistant to change, so its been a while since I actually even cut my hair let alone tried something slightly different.

Last night when I was at the laundromat I started chatting to a guy, or rather he started chatting to me and wouldn't stop no matter how intently I pretended to be reading my book. As with most men he was easily charmed by my intelligence and quick wit ... what? it's my blog I have artistic licence to exaggerate my charming abilities if I damn well please so bite me. Anyway back to the laundromat ... so after a bit of chatting and a lame ass attempt by me to get back to reading my book he says to me ... wow it's so amazing to actually meet a beautiful woman who is intelligent and I can actually carry on a conversation with, it's usually straight (*insert hand flying over head motion here*) over their head. Now the guy just gave me quite a compliment by calling me intelligent and beautiful yet managed to make himself look like a egotistical misogynistic retard in the process. I just gave a weak smile and tried in vain to read my book, what I should have said was ... And that's why women do not like you, it's not because your a little fat, work in IT, wear jogging pants in public and like to rock to Zeppelin, it's because you think its a compliment to tell a woman they are actually smart enough to carry on a conversation with you. Now fuck off and let me read my book.

After I got home from the laundromat my boyfriend came over and he gave me quite a compliment too, he told me that he likes the way I know how to pluralise beer. You know, that I know it's still just "beer" even in the plural. This is what the man likes about me ... that I know how to pluralise alcoholic beverages correctly. He got annoyed with me when I laughed at this, he doesn't think I get it, but I do, and it was better.

** are misogynistic and pluralise actual words? The spell check didn't like them and I have been known to make up words in the past

200

2006-03-24T17:52:00.000-05:00

What is it today? I just went to the video store to rent a movie. While I was in line I saw some mini eggs ... oh how I love mini eggs, and I am feeling pretty crap what with the bad hair cut and all and I was informed dinner would be later ... I am not sure when later is but it isn't now and I am really hungry. So I grab a bag of my favourite treat. The kid at the till proceeds to tell me just how many calories are in a pack of mini eggs ... 200 calories if you are interested in knowing. Yes I already knew that, but thanks for the concern of my caloric intake ... fucker.

conversation with an immigrant

2006-03-24T16:48:00.000-05:00

Got to love foreigners and their lack delicacy in certain situations ... is it the cultural differences or just the language barrier that makes them say the most brutally honest things.

Example:

Foreign coworker : Hey you cut your hair!

Me: yes I did

Foreign coworker: Why did you chose that style?

Me: gee thanks

I then hear weirdo coworker whisper to foreign coworker

Foreign coworker: It looks fantastic!

Me: I heard the whispering, I am not an idiot you know.

Laughter pursues and a few minutes later I turn around to face them

Foreign coworker: I think I am getting used to it now.

Me: Lucky for me.

BTW: I know I shouldn't call him foreign coworker any more as he is actually a Canadian citizen now, therefore not foreign, but immigrant just sounds degrading to me.

hair cut

2006-03-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

So I finally plucked up the courage to go get my hair cut last night. I tried a new hair dresser and you know what? She had fine, thin hair like me. Not only that, her hair was nice, fun and ok a little more funky than I would do mine but it instilled in me a level of confidence in her abilities.

So of course turns out I hate it .... I mean she did what I asked, however, the little chunk of long wispy bangs I had wanted do not look very nice with my glasses, in fact they look like shit with my glasses because they have to go out around my glasses. It looks like crap and its a pretty blunt cut in the front but longer in the back ... me not like so much. So I did something I have never ever done before, I called her back and asked if she could fix it. Now I am scared. I hope she realizes that the fact that I called back and want HER to fix is because I actually think she is a good hairdresser. I spoke to her on the phone briefly and asked her if she could just trim up the back do a slight inverted bob ... to give it, you know, more style, I look kinda dorky ... I know I am not a fashionista of any sorts but that doesn't mean I need to look dorky does it ... DOES IT??? Well that would certainly explain so many bad hair cuts over the years ... tell them what you do for a living and BAM dorky haircut. Perhaps because I am such a dork I would like a fashionable sexy stylish haircut to offset my dorkiness ... anyone ever think of that?? I thought not.

Ok so my fix up is at 2:45 this afternoon, so I didn't take my lunch. I am sacred, what if she hacks it up as some sort of hairdressing revenge because of my insult to the cut she gave me yesterday ... I mean what if she makes me look worse ... what if ... Its only hair, it will grow back, I really need to get a perspective on my life.

The crying post about how much I hate my life and the fact that even something as simple as a decent haircut is impossible for me to attain will be following this post at about 3:45 this afternoon I am sure... stay tuned, that's bound to be a good one.

me and my hunger

2006-03-21T12:28:00.000-05:00

It's lunchtime and I am at my desk work, but I have no lunch because I ate it all this morning. I went to the gym last night for the first time in weeks, it was tough, I have been very, very, very lazy -- well stressed and constantly tired more like it. Yeah, yeah I know, going to the gym would have helped with all of that, but all I wanted to do was go home and veg and eat crappy unhealthy food every single night, so shoot me.

Anyhow back to my hunger. So yeah I went to the gym and did my regular cardio workout and then about half the reps of my strength training. It was really difficult but I did it. Today my muscles hurt a little bit, but not too bad, but hungry ... my god I am HUNGRY. I had my bowl of cereal at 7 this morning as I was getting ready for work. Then I got to work and I had my lunch eaten by 11am. I was famished, I tried to hold off but I couldn't. I just had the yogurt at first, then the carrots, hell I even ate the dill pickle trying to stave off my hunger, then I couldn't wait I had to eat my sandwich.

I just ate the last remaining plum in my lunch bag. I think and I am still starving. And not like, hey this is great, I can burn off some calories and try to lose those pounds I gained since quitting smoking ... this is the kind of hunger where you are likely to push someone out of the way for a piece of cake kind of hunger. Oh cake ... cake would be good, so good. I wonder if they have some in the cafeteria ... NO ... I don't need it, I have had plenty of food stomach ... plenty ... you will just have to make do with what you have, now bugger off and leave me alone ... I don't want to hear your stupid growls.

I am still hungry, reasoning with hunger does not work. Stupid stomach ... now I have to eat cake.

some days

2006-03-07T19:39:00.000-05:00

Some days you just spill tea all over your lap and desk, you know, the tea you didn't really want but thought it might make you feel better as you have been stressed out lately and just need something warm and soothing to start your day at work.

Some days you just realize the little jacket you are wearing at work is actually dirty but you can't take it off because you didn't bother to iron your blouse and you are wearing a black bra under a light blue blouse because you thought you'd be leaving your jacket on all day. Luckily the tea goes nicely with whatever else you just discovered all over the left cuff.

Some days you just go to the laundromat, you know the one that you have been avoiding but really need to go because the only socks you have left are the ones with the holes and those weird yellow ones that you really aren't sure how exactly came into your possession, only to get there and find a woman with her 5 kids have taken up almost every single washing machine. Well of course the one that always goes unbalanced is still is still available and if you're lucky enough so will the dryer that doesn't heat up.

Some days you go to the library to renew your book only to discover you could have done it online and saved yourself from that freak on the sidewalk that was staring at you so intently he didn't even seem to notice almost shoved rather roughly you off the sidewalk with his shoulder. He freaked you out so bad that you actually cehecked to see if he was around your car when you got in.

Some days you drag your still dirty laundry back inside only to crack your elbow so badly that you don't even immediately yell out the @&#* ... it takes a few minutes for the sound to come out.

Some days you you feel really shitty and you hear phone beep, and it makes your day knowing that someone called an left a message and it makes you smile and feel good even though you didn't think you wanted to talk on the phone, only to discover that it was a figment of your imagination, no one called.

Some days just suck, I am going to bed.

(By the way ... when I went to do a spell check it deleted my entire post, I almost threw my computer across the room, luckily the recover post button worked ... lucky for my computer that is ... well my computer and my credit card.)

just so tired

2006-03-01T07:59:00.000-05:00

Why the hell do I wake up every single morning at either 4:30 or 5? ? Not only that but as tired as I am I cannot get back to sleep until say 6:10 ... you know because my alarm is set for 6:15. I feel like shit, this has been happening for a few weeks now and it's starting to take its toll. I am not a happy girl ... not at all.

climbing

2006-02-28T21:45:00.000-05:00

I just got back from the rock climbing gym, yeah I know it makes me sound all sporty and active but you don't have to laugh ... I mean I am not the lazy heavy drinkin' and smokin' and eating a poutine every time I can get my hands on one gal that I was in days of yore. Ok I am also not some super active sporty aerobic bouncing, coordinating gym outfit gal either. So truth be told me and a friend of mine took a beginners rock climbing course last February. We sucked but it came with a 2 week membership to the gym so we went a few times and we have meant to go every single Tuesday (ladies climb free on Tuesdays so we only have to rent the equipment) since last March but it just didn't happen until tonight.

So it turns out that its pretty easy to forget how to belay someone after a year. I didn't climb all the way up because when I was about 2/3's of the way I looked down only to wonder if she remembered how to let me down turns out she didn't, I realized this as I was clinging to the wall watching her look around to see how other people were doing it. It's all my fault though I should have realized that she need some refreshing when she first did her climb and tired her self to a rope and then asked me to belay her with a different one. Finally a 14 year old instructor comes over to show her how to do it and she yells at me to let go and sit ... "yeah fuck that! you're going to kill me, you are totally gong to kill me and I am going to drop to my death in a stupid rock climbing gym full of retarded skinny ugly zit faced adolescents who think they are cool" ... ok I didn't really say that but I thought it. I finally got down, well she did leave me dangling so only my very tip toes could touch for a few minutes. We did have a good laugh afterwards. But man oh man, not fun.

battle miss tree

2006-02-24T18:15:00.000-05:00

braggart

2006-02-23T12:40:00.000-05:00

Do you mind if I brag for a minute ... yeah well I got to be honest with you I don't really care what you think, it's my blog so I will brag if I damn well want to.

I passed my professional practice exam. You know the one I spent so long procrastinating ... I mean studying for before Christmas. I will hopefully get my professional licence by next Christmas.

I was asked to be my nephews godmother. That's right godmother again. I rock and the boys love me. 2 for 2!! .... the nieces? Well the one doesn't like me so much, the other won't be born until tomorrow morning (scheduled c-section, I am not psychic) and the older one ... well I didn't know her as a baby as she is my step niece, but she seems to be ok with me now. Hopefully the new one arriving tomorrow will like me. Maybe I can have a god daughter from one of my friends ... ladies? Any takers? I mean who wouldn't want to have a child just so I could be the god parent ... Don't say no until you think about it for a few minutes ... I am pretty cool and I can renounce satan like it's nobodies business. Oh who am I kidding, I am not very cool at all and my satan renouncing was only repeating what the priest said ... and part of it I only moved my mouth because I missed what was said. But you know if you should find yourself knocked up think about it.

I can bake some mean cupcakes .... well since I was bragging I thought I would throw that in there too, the ones I baked for Valentines Day really turned out fantastic if I do say so myself. The icing was a task I tell you, but red velvet cupcakes with creamy vanilla frosting was quite a hit so it was all worth it.

Oh and I finally mastered that triple salchow ... ok I am lying about that one, but I really needed a fourth thing to brag about and winning at spider solitaire last night seemed kind of lame.

lies at work

2006-02-22T12:41:00.000-05:00

It's an anniversary of sorts. I have been blogging in this thing for a year, not only that, my last entry was my 100th entry as well. Good excuse for cake I think, I mean I can find an excuse for cake pretty much anytime but this one seems better than "I went a whole day without trying to kill or hurt anyone, I deserve a cake". Oh how I have humoured myself over the past year writing in this thing or ignoring it for weeks on end, whichever tickled my fancy. Jesus, I just wrote 'tickled my fancy' ... I don't even know how to insult myself about that.

Speaking of cake, I am sitting all alone in my office today at lunch because there is a shower going on for one of the women here at work. She is having a baby in a few weeks. She's very nice, this woman, probably my age or a few years younger, she just got married a year or two ago. She's also very well liked but I don't really know her all that well. So I did give a few bucks for the gift but I really didn't want to take part in the lunch. So I didn't sign up, I was, however, cornered by my admin clerk asking why had I forgot to sign up for the pot luck. I said that I didn't know what to bring. The thing is that I would look like a total fucking bitch if I just said I didn't want to attend, I mean if it was just cake, fine but not a whole lunch, not being a woman and therefore capable and willing to make finger/party foods at a moments notice. Maybe I am a bitch, maybe I am rude, maybe I am selfish, but I just didn't want to take part, I barely know her. So I got assigned something to bring.

I actually did attempt to buy something at Costco on Monday night, but nothing looked decent or it was just way more money than I was willing to spend. So today instead of just saying "Look I don't want to take part, ok" I just lied, that's right I flat out lied ... "Oh man I totally forgot that was today and I brought my lunch and everything". See now lying about it was fine, no questions asked but if I had said "look I don't know her that well, I don't have the money or the time to waste this week making cocktail weenies. I am sorry but I did chip in for the present isn't that enough?" I would have been branded the worlds biggest bitch (yet again) even though I always actively participate in every other damn pot luck we have had. Ah well guess I'll be getting squat when I get married or have babies ... (pause here so you can laugh hysterically at that last comment).

Where the hell was I going with this other than to bitch about being forced into lying about potluck lunches. Oh right cake ... it all started with cake. So the admin clerk bought a cake and apparently wrote the words on it herself. I think she picked up a frozen one. Unfortunately, when I saw it this morning, it looked like she wrote on it while it was still frozen and perhaps thawing it out after writing on it wasn't a good idea. I think the icing used to write the salutation was perhaps a dark red or maroon, but as the cake started to thaw the writing bled a bit and was a creepy red colour at that. It seriously looked like "WELCOME BABY" was written in blood. I also didn't want to take part in the shower just because I didn't want to see that cake celebrating any baby's arrival anywhere, ever.

Oh man I have got to come up with better posts than these ... everything I write lately is long winded, I don't know what to say, maybe it was always like that but I just thought it was interesting, clever and witty, that seems like me.

you look so ... uh ... surprised

2006-02-16T12:38:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking 2 posts in one day, after months of virtually ignoring the blog ... what is going on here. Well it's lunchtime at work and I scarfed down my lunch in the first few minutes and then I just spent 20 minutes surfing the web for lyrics to "I'd like to buy the world a coke" because for some bizarre reason I have it playing on a constant loop in my head. And then I read the entire history of that landmark commercial and the follow up song that thankfully left out the Coca Cola references. SO here I am blogging again, but not about coke. I want to blog about my brows.

After reading the oh so exciting history of the coke commercial I went to the washroom. As I was washing my hands I checked out my eye brows. My sister butchered them over Christmas, along with her germ ridden children making me sick she also hacked my eyebrows. Ok I guess I can't really blame her kids, I mean yes that is where I picked up the cold that just would never leave but they're kids that's what they do. I had my eyebrows waxed the week before Christmas. My sister, being a sister, pointed out that they didn't trim them. We discussed the trimming of eyebrows for a while and I said that I only really like one girl at the salon to trim them. My sister of course, ever wanting to hone her untrained esthetician skills on me offered to trim them for me. In a moment of weakness I agreed.

She did not do a good job. When trimming eyebrows one is supposed to brush them straight up and trim the excess. My sister did not do this, and it looked shitty. It looked patchy and jagged and just plain bad. Now if my sister had just apologized afterwards it would have been fine but she claimed it looked great just like hers. Now my sister has light brown hair I on the other hand have very dark eyebrows, almost black, and very pale skin and therefore any fuck ups are very obvious. So I get pissed and three days later she finally apologizes. The only way to fix them was to pluck them thinner. So I did and they were a lot thinner than I do them or really like them but they looked alright and no longer like a bad mow job on my face. So with my ultra thin eyebrows I celebrated the new year, I kept them plucked like that for a few weeks but decided they were really too thin and I should grow them back.

Growing back your overplucked eyebrows is not fun. I mean yes I was expecting them to look messy and unkept for a few weeks what I was not expecting was the hair to start growing straight outwards or in some cases completely downwards. It's crazy. I am not lying, some of them are growing straight outwards, and not just because they are short, they're long and they will not lay down, and the ones that do are growing straight downwards towards my chin. I had to give in and pluck a few of them because it was looking bad but this is ridiculous I tried to tame them with cream and water but no luck. It's horrible. What is up with that I ask? I'd call my sister and tell how she ruined my life with her untrained esthetician skills ... yet again ... but she would probably offer to fix them and I would probably let her and then the cycle would start all over again.

I can't believe I just posted about that for so long ... lol ... I need to do something or go somewhere my life is obviously in a sad state.

that's it, that's all

2006-02-16T08:08:00.000-05:00

Hey I got a compliment by a stranger on my last post ... that always feels so good. Not that compliments by friends and family don't feel good but you always have that nagging voice in the back of your head wondering if they are just saying that to a) be nice, b) shut you up, or c) humour you so they can laugh about how crap you really are to all your mutual friends and in fact you are just a big fat ugly joke whom no one really likes and you are there for sheer entertainment value and the bitches are all in it together. OK maybe c is a bit much but hey don't tell me you don't think that sometimes ... we all got a little crazy going on up there ... don't deny it ... I may have a little more than some but you have it to ... don't you?

Seriously, the little voice that says stupid things like what would happen if ... you swerved into the on coming traffic ... killed a random person ... started sending weird letters to strangers ... pushed someone you didn't like down the stairs, or even some one you did like and then denied it til the point they thought they were hallucinating ... just lied about everything ... slashed random peoples tires ... keyed peoples cars who park too close to you ... called in fake bomb threats to the subway system so you wouldn't have to go to work ... rubbed meat all over your body ... just went to work naked one day ... asked complete strangers to drive you home from the bus stop. I mean every one has these crazy little thoughts right? I mean the only reason we don't act on them is because we have the sane little voice inside also telling us not to be stupid ... and no matter how much booze we drink or drugs we take we just can't shut that little jack ass up. Seriously is it just me?

Ok maybe I have said too much, revealed to much of my nature.

An update as to why I haven't been posting: I have absolutely no excuse other than the posts would have ended up like this one ... need I say more? I am finally feeling better from the 6 week cold I caught at christmastime, YAY!! In my defence I did try to post twice but blogger screwed up at log in and I couldn't be bothered to attempt it again. I have also had not much to say, I have had some stuff on my mind that I didn't really feel like sharing ... with anyone, let alone the blogging world (you know those 5 people who read this because I am constantly asking them in they have read it). And well I suck ... that's it, that's all I got.

i still got nothing to say, leave me alone

2006-02-09T08:26:00.000-05:00

Well this is awkward, I have been so negligent of you, blog, that now it's kind of awkward and I don't know what to say. Like when you run into that guy you never called back (over a month ago) and you just don't know what to say. It's not like you didn't like him, but you just didn't call, you had nothing to say, so you didn't, then you run into him and you try to have a pleasant conversation like you didn't completely reject him, but the truth is you like him well enough, you just had nothing to say. Then he either just turns around and pretends he didn't see you or forces you to chat to him and so you can feel like the total bitch you are.

I have a few reasons for not posting. They are not terribly good reasons but here they are:

I had nothing much to say
I am STILL suffering from a stupid cold I caught at Christmas, that's right, it has been over 6 weeks now. It wasn't a really bad cold, it just will not go away, I am tired, my body is exhausted from it's 6 week fight with this crap. I am now on my second round of antibiotics that's should kill it once and for all ... I hope.
I try to sleep as much as possible because of the said cold
The first round of antibiotics I took last week made me sick to my stomach so unless you wanted to hear about diarrhea and nausea I didn't have much to say.
Every post I started to write was about this cold and how it will not go away ... they were all whinny looking for pity posts I didn't want anyone to read.
When I haven't been sleeping or crapping or feeling sorry for my sad state I have been eating mini eggs, I am addicted and I can't stop to write in my blog when I am eating chocolate, come on I am not a machine.
As you can tell by this post I seriously had nothing to say since my last post sometime in January. So reason number 7 is that I really had nothing to blog about, nothing at all.

Alright well there you have it. I will try to write something this weekend that is worthy of reading but I just gotta say my trainer is an evil S.O.B. and I am in so much pain today from our session on Tuesday that I am not sure I will ever be able to walk or sit or stand or lay down comfortably ever again, in which case I will be writing posts about how I can get revenge on him for causing me so much pain. And to think I pay for this ... holy shit I am a masochist (that's the one who likes to have the pain inflicted on them right?)

nothing much

2006-01-17T08:11:00.000-05:00

Yeah I know I haven't been updating as much as usual, and when I have, they have been pretty crap posts. I apologize. I have no excuse other than its January, I have had a cold since Christmas, I have been trying to get back into the gym routine which takes up a lot of my time and just makes me tired (especially when coupled with the cold), and I have been really busy at work so I don't have the time to blog over lunch. I look back at the past two weeks and with the exception of last night I have been on the go doing one thing or another, but never really doing anything worthy of blogging about. Last night I watched TV, I was bored, I should have went to the gym, but I didn't, I wanted a night to myself ... I was really fucking bored ... too bored to even write a blog ... go figure.

So on that note I have to get to work. See what happens when I have nothing particular to blog about, you get a post about nothing. Oh but in some thrilling developments I have decided to go to my doctor about this cold I have had for the past 3 weeks ... I am seriously at my wits end, it has not moved, gotten worse or gotten better since Dec 27th. It's really pissing me off ... however, I am quite sure that my doctor will say ... you have a cold, drink plenty of fluids get lots of rest ... well doctor I have been doing that, it doesn't work and everywhere I go and every remedy I have tried says see your doctor if symptoms persist for more than 5 days, well its been 22. I forget what it feels like to healthy.

Is gotten a word? I don't think it really is, I use it a lot too.

2006 is starting with a bang

2006-01-09T12:05:00.000-05:00

It's been almost a week since I posted last ... and oh my god what a whirlwind my life has been. Ahaha yeah right, I would like to think it's because I have been so fantastically busy doing all sorts of fabulous things. But let's face it, it was the first week in January and I was at work. So I didn't blog because I had nothing to say, I guess I still don't the way this post is going. I uh .... well I ... um ... oh I ... no no no I didn't do much at all. Rented some movies and didn't sleep because of this lingering half cold.

So I could talk about the weather ... like how it's actually crappier in January when it's mild because the sky's are grey and the snow turns to slush and it rains instead of snows and it's just damp and gross feeling.

Or I could blog about this lingering half cold I picked up from my niece at Christmas ... yeah at Christmas, 2 fucking weeks ago. It never turned into anything more than slightly stuffed sinuses and a hairy throat (you know when it feels like your throat has a hair in it that makes its all dry and tickly). But it's been 2 weeks, go away already, I feel fine other than this annoyance, even worse stuffed sinuses would be better than this throat thing. I should be grateful I didn't get the nastiness of it some people got, but my god there's nothing I can do except constantly be drinking, hence constantly peeing and therefore not sleeping. I am tired and cranky and I have to pee AGAIN. This is the 5th time I have peed since I got to work, I am not lying. I have already had 1 litre of water, 1 large tea, half a bottle of DC and a bottle of apple juice. LOL actually after writing all that out I am surprised I have only gone 5 times.

Well that was exciting, tomorrow I will try to actually post about something other than the weather and the habits of my bladder, but I can't promise anything. My life is really not that interesting. What happened to the good time party girl? Oh yeah she died when I turned 27, my bitterness killed her then staged it to look like a suicide. Who am I kidding? She started to die a slow lingering death at the age of 25, what got her in the end was a nagging half cold that just wouldn't go away coupled with an exploding baldder.

a bit fishy

2006-01-03T12:13:00.000-05:00

It's lunch time, I am at work, I am hungry even though I ate everything in my lunch bag. Mind you, I had eaten everything except my sandwich before 11. Why am I so hungry? Maybe because all I had for dinner last night was a Mr. Noodle cup. Yeah I know what you are thinking, but I personally think noodles that are made from 99.9% trans fat soaked in hot water for 3 minutes (but no longer or they will turn into fat mush) then sprinkled with dried salt, I mean soup mix is quite the tasty dish. Ok I lie, but sometimes it's all one can stomach especially when one's land lady is cooking some seriously skanky fish and the smell is wafting up from the heating vents causing one's stomach to turn, eyes to water and even gag a little. Holy crap I don't what kind of madness she was concocting last night but the stench was revolting, I had to actually leave my apartment .... for several hours. It was the strongest most disgustingly fishy smell I have ever encountered, and I grew up in the east, I have smelled some very skanky fish before. Maybe it's fresh water fish that I can't stand the smell of ... well whatever it was it won't be gracing my dinner plate EVER. Wow suddenly I am not hungry anymore ... the memory of it all has taken away my appetite ... nice.

Well enough about fishy stenches, my real reason for posting is that I have been having a bit of a dilemma. One of those decisions in life that I just can't seem to make. I have been pondering the pro's and con's and I make a decision then I consider it for too long then I change my mind and decide the other way and the same thing. I have been researching and asking opinions but I just can't decide what type of skates to buy. I keep hearing that hockey skates are so much easier to skate in compared to figure skates. But I was not convinced, I thought it was all a lie, but the more I think about it the more it kind of makes sense. The blades on figure skates are longer, straight and have the picks. However, I can skate in figure skates ... kinda. So buying hockey skates would mean pretty much learning how to skate all over again. And let's face it I am not ever going to be playing hockey. I just want to skate around and not fall, actually I can do that I really want to be able to stop ... without falling. Now that's an art. I bought a pair of figure skates but I think I made the wrong choice. They can be returned. What am I going to do?

Yes the fact that choosing a type of ice skates is my huge dilemma is comforting, my life must be pretty damn good. Tomorrow I am going to be dumped, have a bird shit on my head, then find out I have an evil twin sister with fingerprints identical to mine who has committed evil crimes and has framed me ... that bitch.

Ok my hunger came back I am going to get a lunch add on in the cafe downstairs.

let's get married and swim away together

2006-01-02T08:12:00.000-05:00

It's Monday morning. Most people have today off, not me ... it sucks, I mean I DID have the entire last week off but still, it's Monday morning, I am tired, I was the first one here at work, most people do not have to work today so I am going to bitch about it. Actually I am not going to bitch about it, nope instead I am going to tell you a little story.

A little story about a crazy British woman named Sharon Tendler and the love of her life named Cindy. Apparently they met 15 years ago in Israel, and they finally got married on Wednesday. Quite romantic really, 15 years with such a distance between them and so many people in the world saying their love just isn't right, it isn't natural, they shouldn't be allowed to marry. And while their marriage isn't legally recognized they can always hold on to the hope that some day it will be. It's not because Cindy is female, in fact he is indeed male, an unfortunately named male, but a male nonetheless ... oh maybe it's because he's a fucking dolphin. That's right, you heard, or rather read me correctly .... a dolphin ... this nut case married a dolphin on Wednesday. She said she would always end up with Cindy, she's a one dolphin woman, thank god I understand dolphin polygamy is running rampant and let's face it that's just wrong.

Upon further research it appears the wack job in question is in fact a millionaire. Well I guess she had to be, regular people don't have the time or nerve to fantasize about marrying aquatic mammals, she's rich so she's eccentric. If I tried to marry a cow for example ... what? I like cows ... I would just be labeled "crazy" and committed to the psych ward for evaluation and a minimum 30 day holiday. But she's rich, so she gets called eccentric, like it's a weird little quirk of hers to marry sea life, rather charming little oddity wouldn't you say?

She also wanted to clarify and I quote " It's not a perverted thing. I do love this dolphin. He's the love of my life". Oh how I wish I was still in bed and this was all just a dream.

2006

2006-01-01T12:45:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year. 2005 was not a bad one for me, some good, some bad and some in between. It's always kind of exciting to wonder what sort of stuff I will be thinking about this time next year, what sort of things I will be reminiscing about, what sort of good and shitty things will have happened by this time next year.

Will I win the lottery?

Will I pay off that student loan (just one of them) even if I don't win the lottery?

Will I finally move into a more permanent, adult sized apartment?

Will I lose those 10 "quitting smoking" pounds?

Will something I do make someone else happy?

Will I lose my job?

Will I break my arm?

Will I travel to a place I have never been?

Will I want to die from embarrassment?

Will I be happier than I have ever been?

Will I be sadder than I have ever been?

Will someone I love die?

Will I go home for a visit?

I have not been happy this week, sometimes I feel like it's just not in the cards for me. But enough of that depressing shit, it's the new year and I am going to clean my apartment damnit.

Hope everyone had a fabulous time, drank too much and ate too much, as new years eve should be.

the best gift this year

2005-12-30T10:08:00.000-05:00

I would like to say that I have been doing all sorts of fabulous things over the holidays and I just haven't had time to blog, but we all know that is a HUGE lie. I have been extraordinarily lazy and bored these past few days. I got some really nice gifts this year such as:

a frying pan I would never spend that much money on (but I really wanted)
a really nice bright red winter jacket
a pair of lighthouse pj's
an apron
nice stainless steel dry measures
a cold from my niece (not my favourite present I have to say)
hats and scarves
a pair of gloves that have all the same length fingers (seriously who's freakshow hands look like that?)
a robe (it was what I asked for but I have to exchange it for one not quite so PINK)
a Chapters gift card which I bought a cook book

However, the best gift I received was from my nephew. When I went to visit him on Tuesday afternoon I knocked on the door. I could see his little face peak out of the window by the door I waved. I could hear him laughing and yelling for Mommy. Then she opened the door I walked in and jumped into my arms and says "What took you so long to get here?" Then he nuzzled his head into my neck. I thought I was going to cry. I have never ever seen anyone so happy to see me in my whole life. He's three and a half and he and I have always had a special bond but man this little guy loves me, it makes me feel so good. The love of a child like that makes all the shittiness in the world seem bearable.

carolling

2005-12-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

Christmas why do you hate me so? I am not ready, not ready at all, It doesn't feel so good. That stupid exam took up waaaaay too much of my time (by the way I think I did pretty well -- but if I failed we will never speak of it again). So here I am screwed 4 days before Christmas, and not the good kind of screwed ... although if I play my cards right ... but I digress, I was talking about how horrible Christmas is. When the heck did Christmas stop being fun .... I guess it was around the time people started expecting more from me than a rendition of joy to the world and a Styrofoam ball covered in glue and glitter (or should I say half covered and a box half full of glitter) with a pipe cleaner fashioned into a hook. Don't get me wrong those have got to be the best gifts you can possibly get at christmastime. I called my nephew yesterday and he explained to me he couldn't sing me any Christmas songs because he caught a cold after he learned them ... he's three and sometimes his old auntie can be sooo stupid.

I have been listening to Christmas music to try to get into the spirit, I actually like Christmas music quite a bit, I like cheesy pop Christmas songs the best, like Wham's Last Christmas ... yeah I know ... I KNOW ... it's bad but I love it all the same, nothing like hearing George Michael singing about getting dumped at Christmas. But even with my affinity for cheesy holiday tunes I do have some standards, as low as they may be. For example Boys II Men, H-Town, Cece and Bebe whoever they are, Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Linda Ronstadt they make me want to vomit up candy canes. I hate that kind of shitty music at the best of times but when it's about Christ or Santa or the girl you love so much you just want to give her the priceless gift of your love ... well it makes me feel ill. But I have to say I have heard the most nauseating of all Christmas songs the other day. It was called Angels in the Snow by Kenny Loggins. Oh my god, I may have been exaggerating about the vomiting before but when I heard this gem yesterday I seriously thought I might be sick. It is the most sugary sweet load of shit I have ever heard. Just sing about Christ or Santa or that girl you want to bang, please Kenny, I beg of you. Hmmm come to think of it that New Shoes song by some country singer I heard last year is still in the running for the worse Christmas song ever.

Ok I must make a list of my personally most despised Christmas songs in no particular order - my snarky comments in italics

Angels in the Snow - Kenny Loggins - a family making a scene just like a Christmas card, I don't know what to say because I am trying to keep down the vomit
Christmas Shoes - Newsong - yeah that's it, god made this little boy and his family suffer and then place him in line next to you just so YOU could reflect and realize not everyone is as fortunate as you ... egotistical prick
Santa Baby - Madonna - oh my god! shut up with that attempt at a cutesy voice
Miss you Most at Christmastime - Mariah Carey - yeah yeah you are apart from your love or he's dead I haven't figured the lyrics out yet ... and you miss him ... the most at christmastime no less
Any christmas song by any boy band ever - if I can envision them hitting their fist on their chest while there other arm is outstretched as they sing they are a boyband and they suck, I wish I could say their Christmas song covers are bearable, but they aren't, they should not be allowed airplay as they make people very very angry, or maybe it's just me
For Unto Us a Child is Born - CeCe and BeBe Winans - I dunno what to say, this song just sucks
The Bell that Couldn't Jingle - Bobby Vinton - I cannot express my hatred for this piece of shit song, it's stupid, stupid, stupid, it definitely wins the award for the worse lyrics
Run Run Rudolph - Any version - Do we really need more than one song about Rudolph? I don't think so
C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S - The Vandals - I downloaded this song last Christmas, I can have a pretty vulgar sense of humour, and I enjoy some irony but man this was just nasty ... NASTY
Blue Christmas- Elvis - I particularly hate the back up singers, I can't help but envision him as novelty clock singing this, or any song to be honest
Christmas Wishes - Anne Murray - Well Anne, you won't have your way this Christmas, you won't get peace on earth so please fuck off

damn

2005-12-16T16:41:00.000-05:00

I am soooooo paying for my laziness in studying now .... the only thing that is going to help me on this exam tomorrow is luck. I mean it's not a big deal to fail a law and ethics exam is it? So I don't have any ethics ... or know when I am breaking the law ... is it really that bad? Well yes apparently it is .... damn it.

cold and wet

2005-12-16T08:37:00.000-05:00

It's 8:30 on Friday morning, I just woke up, I still have my pyjamas on. We had some snow last night, it looks pretty, unfortunately it's nice and fluffy right now but its mild ... only -1 so if it warms up anymore it will turn into that gross ugly wet snow, that isn't fun for anyone ... I hate that snow ... NS gets a lot of that kind of snow, and freezing rain and very cold rain in the winter. I miss a lot of things about Nova Scotia ... I miss the way it rains in the summer, I miss the ocean, I miss the rugged landscape, I miss the beauty but I don't miss the damn winter that's for sure. Winters here are colder ... I have never seen it as cold as I have the past few winters here .... but in NS in the winter your feet are always cold and wet ... hell everywhere is cold and wet ... wet and cold ... it really isn't a good combination. You think that would make you tough growing up is such a harsh environment ... but no ... you spend one winter away a suddenly you are no longer able to handle the wet and cold .... oh and let's not forget the wind, the good old wind coming in from the water ... I have been blown on my ass more than once.

So there you have it ... an oh so thrilling post about how shitty the winter is in Nova Scotia ... I have an exam tomorrow and I am obviously procrastinating with my studies. I thought about playing in the snow when I was putting out the garbage this morning, but it looked so clean and white I didn't want to ruin it ... or look like a retard ... or really play in it I just didn't want to study. Despite the havoc the snow wreaks on our roads you can't help but enjoy its beauty especially at Christmas when the lights are twinkling through the snow on the roof tops and trees. It will be a white one again this year. Not that I am ready for Christmas .. hell no.

whiney bitch

2005-12-13T07:50:00.000-05:00

It's not even 8 am and today already kind of sucks ... not only was it -17 (that's 17 degrees below zero) when I left for work (and in case anyone forgot since last winter ... that's pretty nippy) but I forgot my purse (money, drivers license, lip balm, hand cream etc). And to top it all off I am coming down with a cold ... and I have to write that god damn exam on Saturday. I knew I would get sick before this exam, I just knew it ... this kind of stuff always happens, you know having no heat in my apartment for 5 days wasn't enough bad luck ... it's so bloody irritating. I know it's completely irrational but sometimes it just feels like shitty things happen and if I manage to cope with them fate decides that obviously that just wasn't shitty enough so it has to add more shittiness. I know this is irrational thought and in the grand scheme of things I have had more luck than 99% of human beings ... but here in my mind it just always feels like I can't get ahead no matter what the fuck I do.

stopped

2005-12-12T17:08:00.000-05:00

Somewhere along the way I just stopped giving a shit.

really, you shouldn't have ... really

2005-12-10T23:34:00.000-05:00

So it's Saturday night and I should be studying, but I am not, in fact I am looking for any reason not to study. So far I baked cookies and went to WalMart .. I know I just recently vowed never to shop there again, but I needed those mega jumbo rolls of toilet paper ... you know the ones that are each equivalent to, not 2, not 3, but 4 regular rolls. FOUR!!! Do you know how much space that saves me in my tiny apartment, and 6 rolls lasts me well over a month. WalMart is the only place I can find them ... yes I know I am going to hell, but it's not like I wasn't going anyway. By the way for the extended holiday hours it appears they hired another angry old man to be the door greeter ... he did not look happy, but it was 9:30 and people were still showing up to shop until 11, I also think I heard him getting some attitude by the 16 year old cart boys. I hate WalMart.

Now how can I bring up shopping at WalMart 2 weeks before Xmas without mentioning crappy presents. I was shopping for some gifts the other day and I saw some interesting gift ideas. For example there was Big John. Yeah lets check this little gem out shall we ... yup its some terra cotta pots some straw and a piece of felt. What the hell kind of shit ass gift is that. Make a clay pot mate??? How crappy would that be to unwrap on Christmas morning. Maybe Santa doesn't give lumps of coal to the bad kids anymore just Big John.

Then for the kids who were better, but not quite up to snuff ... Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Pooh.

Pooh's mom hit the bottle pretty hard when papa pooh ditched her for that skank with the big honey pots. This one's for the kids Santa wants to punish with nightmares and insomnia for the next 10 years.

But it's not just about the kids is it? For all you misbehavin' adults there's Log ... good ol' Log.

Yes that's right, its a festive log made to look like a little man. He is in actual fact a candle holder, you can put tea lights in the top. Now you may think you will at least get pleasure by throwing this little guy on to the fire on Christmas morn' ... but oh no, he isn't even made from an actual log, it's some sort of plastic material, even the pine cone. The beautiful finishing touch is of course the sign that says YO HO HO ... guess he's a pirate log. This lovely gift was what some one got at our secret Santa party last year. I'd feel bad, but I didn't get stuck with it so it's funny. Although truth be told I think the log has brought far more joy than my Chapters and Starbucks gift cards did. We spent all year anticipating his return at Christmas ... and now that he's back he's put a smile on everyone's face and tears on a few. I suspect he will be somehow making his way back into the secret Santa pile.

I love my new camera phone!

an addendum

2005-12-08T12:31:00.000-05:00

please add the following to the suck list:

Falling in the hallway at work, right down on your hands and knees for no reason, you didn't trip, you didn't twist your ankle ... you aren't even wearing high heeled shoes for fucksakes. Nope you just fall ... and all the contents of your purse go flying. And some well meaning twits in Health keep asking if you're ok as you try to pick everything up, when you say yes the first time you think they would disperse but no their group gets bigger as they all watch you pick up your shit. And then they ask again if you are alright ... it's not like you are 80 and broke a fucking hip, you are not bleeding, you are not crying, you are just trying to pick up your wallet, 8 lip sticks, hand cream, loose change and maxi pads with a little bit of grace and dignity ... but they won't let you even have that. Bitches.

sucky suck ass, volume 2

2005-12-08T08:26:00.000-05:00

More things that suck.

No heat
Studying
Studying with no heat
Waking up with no heat
Waking up and knowing you have to study
Waking up and knowing you have to study with no heat
Walking with bare feet on ceramic tiles to go pee at 4 am after there's been no heat all night and it's -10 outside
Not knowing if there will be heat when you get home from work
The furnace fixing men telling your land lady there's nothing wrong with the furnace ... even though you have been suffering for 2 nights without heat, it seems to work fine at 2 in the afternoon when no one is around
When someone steals or moves or throws away your lip balm, in the winter, in your dry office ... assholes.

But on a less negative note ... things that do no suck:

A warm boyfriend who volunteers to stay and keep you warm in your bed while studying and sleeping
Early Christmas gifts
Knowing that in 1 1/2 weeks you won't have to study this law shit anymore (unless of course you fail, and that would fall under the sucky list)
Chocolate
Space heaters that work
Chai Tea
Patent leather high heels
Heat, if you had it you would be sure it wouldn't suck
Not having to study, lazy, blissful web surfing, TV watching, non studying activities
Mary Brown's taters

icky

2005-12-07T12:26:00.000-05:00

Holy facelift Batman. Is it just me or did Madonna get a little work done (in the form of a bad facelift).

sucky suck ass

2005-12-05T17:30:00.000-05:00

Things that suck:

writing an exam 1 week before christmas
trying to get your shopping done before the studying crunch time
knowing that you didn't get enough shopping done and now you will have to wait until the dreaded week before to do the rest of your shopping
realizing you don't have time to get one of your presents bought and sent
realizing there is no way in hell anyone is getting a card from you this year, not that they did last year when you had loads of time to get them done ... come to think of it you bet you still have the cards bought last year with the best of intentions, at least you don't have to buy any.
having your coworker pop quiz you on the stuff you have studied and not remembering anything, well you remember reading it, just not exactly what was said
realizing, after studying, that the profession you have chosen was a huge mistake because you are liable for everything that could ever go wrong, anywhere, anytime, if you even sneezed in the room something was talked about
knowing that every other person you know who wrote this exam passed, so if you fail you are going to have a lot of explaining to do .. or lying
not being able to find parking anywhere within a 10 minute walk to a door at the mall, it's minus 10 and you have no hat ... because you asked for one for Xmas, so you are holding out.
shitty secret santa gifts ... like a log man holding a sign that says Yo Ho Ho

christmas cry baby

2005-12-03T08:58:00.000-05:00

One thing I hate about the holidays more and more is the feeling that I have no home any more. spending christmas at my parents is no longer is very enjoyable for me, don't get me wrong I love my parents, but the holidays are not my dad's best time of the year and now that my two grandmas are gone its not the same as it used to be anyway. So I go to my sisters and it's fun but its not my christmas, it feels like I am watching their christmas, or intruding in some way, which I know I am not because I am family, but still it can't help but feel that way. My sister wants me to spend the whole week out there, I love my sister and her family but I'd seriously be wounded if I let my niece at me more for more than 2 days. And I can't watch the old christmas movies that always make me happy, or blast the christmas music and sing to the top of my lungs or have duels with the empty rolls of wrapping paper (that used to piss my mom off, yeah I know we were teenagers but it was still fun).

Holy shit I am such a cry baby, wah wah wah ... whatever. Now I have to go to the bloody mall and get my shopping done. I really hate the holidays now.

waste of paper

2005-12-02T08:38:00.000-05:00

I got a flyer in with my pay stub at work today, sometimes they do that. Apparently it's dangerous to drive after smoking pot. Wow, this comes as a huge shock to me and I am sure everyone else who read, then laughed, then promptly discarded the flyer. And let me tell you, it is also a criminal offence to smoke marijuana or marijuana products (haven't we changed that yet?) and further charges could be brought for impaired driving. Ironically if the cops pull you over they can't test for your highness. I am pretty sure there is no way to tell or subsequently charge you with impaired driving unless you have a joint hanging out of your mouth or you car is completely hotboxed (not that I have ever done such a thing).

Is this a rising problem with the employees here that they had to send around a flyer, did anyone really not know that being high could impair your driving, if from nothing else than laughing at the discussion about the big mac measuring system you just invented or weapons that shoot flaming marshmallows that you also think you should invent or at the very least patent. I mean that's just what I heard, I don't smoke the dope (that's right THE dope) ... anymore.

polling

2005-11-28T20:43:00.000-05:00

So not to get all politics on you, but the government fell at about 6:30 pm this evening. By 8:30 I was already answering a poll on the telephone. Nope we still hate Stephen Harper here in the east (east of Manitoba that is), thanks for asking. I'll be hearing the results of that poll on the news tomorrow morning I bet, and then it will be non stop until this election takes place then, mark my words, we will have yet another minority gov't ... how bloody annoying.

watching the telly

2005-11-28T19:42:00.000-05:00

I am not a big TV watcher but it is absolutely amazing how much I suddenly love TV and can't get enough of it when I have to do something, like I dunno ... study for a big exam I have in less than 3 weeks and I am completely not prepared for. Suddenly re-runs of Friends is the funniest thing I have ever seen. And spider solitaire is the most exciting game ever invented and I must keep playing ... I can't stop it's like a drug.

dress code

2005-11-25T12:32:00.000-05:00

Have you ever read your place of employments dress code? They are always a good source of entertainment. For example I work for the government and our office dress code is business casual unless we are going into the public or in front of council or representing ourselves externally than it should be business formal. Makes sense. They give a nice little description on what business casual is for men and women, in case there was question as to weather or not jeans are business casual ... no they are not. We also have casual Fridays in support of a charity. We pay money every week to have the privilege of wearing our jeans on Fridays.

Following the description of what is appropriate they have to list what is never ever appropriate anytime, including casual Fridays. When you read this list for the first time (aloud to your coworkers of course) you all have a good laugh. I mean do they have to explicitly say no bare chests?? And VINYL?? who the hell would wear that to work ... well when you work for the government anyway ... vinyl has a time and a place and in a government office it ain't (unless it's underneath your clothes and no one can see it and only you know what a saucy little tart you really are ... but that's for another post). So you read the dress code you all laugh, you tell everyone down the hall that you know they really wanted to wear that spandex outfit to work you saw them buying on the weekend but its against the dress code ... to everyone's relief.

Then one day, a casual Friday no less, you are innocently getting a sandwich for lunch in the cafeteria and you see a woman wearing a head to toe denim zebra print outfit. It's denim, it's zebra print and my god it's so fucking tight you can see what she ate for lunch ... yesterday. It's not a nice zebra print, it's large, it's loud, it's very black and very white and to be honest it hurts to look at her, but you can't stop staring because the stripes have you mesmerized as she walks past the salad bar. When you get back to your desk and you blink you can still see the stripes burned into your retina's.

Now I am no fashion queen, I know this, I accept this, and I like zebra print ... like the vinyl it has a time and a place ... and preferably it's on a piece of furniture or a small article of clothing (or even just half the body). It wasn't even in some sort of funky youthful taste, that maybe I am just too old to understand ... she was about 45, the outfit was hideous and sadly she is not breaking our dress code in anyway. But it's because of people like her that you have to actually say ... no strapless tops, no bare midriff, no muscle shirts. Next time they revise this dress code I am fully expecting to see no animal prints.

It's still burned into my retina's ... it hurts.

crap post

2005-11-25T08:37:00.000-05:00

Alright it has been well over a week since I posted, I apologize ... especially to Cara who apparently likes to use this blog to entertain her friends. It's so nice to know my deepest thoughts and feelings are used for entertainment purposes ... assholes.

I don't really have much of an excuse for not posting, I seem to be really busy lately, and tired ... so bloody tired, I can't seem to get a full nights sleep, even on the weekends.

Well sadly I started this blog entry yesterday and I still have nothing more to write about. I have not had a terribly good week ... last night I actually felt like having a cigarette, I haven't had one in months ... I am glad I didn't, but I kind of felt like it. But since it's -8 and snowing outside, smoking is one thing I am really glad I don't do anymore ... even if it did make me gain 10 pounds ... which I can't bloody well lose and it is really starting to piss me off. The funny thing is that I can now smell cigarette smoke in my cube at work ... like it's on my sweater or something .. but I smell my sweater and it smells good like me (yes I smell good ... well I think so anyway). I don't know where it's coming from my smoking coworker hasn't arrived yet and I can never smell it off her anyway. It's faint, but it really smells like its coming off of me ... this is going to drive me up the bloody wall. It's like I am being taunted for even thinking about smoking.

What a crap post, I apologize, I will try to find something better to write about later. Suggestions are more than welcome.

beat the spirit out of 'em

2005-11-15T08:12:00.000-05:00

I don't believe in corporal punishment in general .... but people who have their houses all decorated with pine boughs and Christmas lights ablazing before the middle of November really should be beaten ... in public, while we all cheer on. I mean it would be one thing if they actually had taste and their houses were nicely decorated, not in 3 different types of icicle lights, I mean just buy the same fucking brand people, it's not that hard. It would be one thing too if they just put up the lights while the weather was relatively nice, but didn't turn them on. But no it's decorated badly and early and all alit for us to "enjoy" (read cringe and curse).

These are the people who steal Christmas, not the Grinch, not the greedy corporations making a hefty profit off all the crap we buy, not Scrooge ... it's the jack asses who claim "but I just love Christmas" and insist on decorating their houses 2 months before the event. This makes everyone in the vicinity so sick of Christmas that by the time it actually arrives it has long been robbed of any special yuletide atmosphere. These people ruin Christmas for the rest of us, because I can avoid the decorated stores and the mall until December but I cannot avoid my street, I cannot avoid seeing this. And don't give me that bullshit about it only coming once a year, yeah once a year EVERY single year, it's not like it's the Olympics and only comes once every 4 years so we better make it last. Every single year we have Christmas, every single one. If we celebrate it for 2 out of the 12 months it kind of loses its charm don't you think? Beating these people is the only way to get results, I tried talking sense into them, it obviously didn't work.

only the beginning

2005-11-10T08:09:00.000-05:00

It was snowing when I drove to work this morning ... gross. It's not like the first time it snows you wake up to a beautiful white blanketed wonderland that, although cold, is absolutely beautiful and you have nowhere to go except maybe for a walk hand in hand with your beau down to the skating pond where you watch happy children play in the snow and maybe play a game of hockey on the ice and it is all so nice with everyone so happy and drinking hot cocoa and it just warms your heart and then you kiss as the lovely flakes of snow gently dusts your hat (which of course matches your scarf and mittens which of course compliments your warm and waterproof yet amazingly stylish coat) .

Oh no, the first time it snows it has usually been raining first so everything is wet and cold and damp, then it snows and makes all the muddy wet leaves strewn all over the road about a million times more slippery and occasionally lethal because they are hidden under a light dusting of white. And of course it's 7am and you have to go to work, and its dark and cold and wet .... and oh god snowy too. The warm bed you left is telling you to call in sick, "I am so warm come back to me" it whispers in the dark. Everyone has forgotten how to drive in the snow and they all look at the sky in bewilderment, wondering what the fuck that white shit is falling from the sky and asking the heavens "why have thou forsaken me" right before some jackass loses control of his car and is fishtailing all over the road coming dangerously close to yours before he ends up on the sidewalk or preferably in the ditch. You'd feel bad except that the arsehole is probably safer for the rest of us in the ditch. You lost your favourite winter hat and one of your leather gloves (just one of course), so you're stuck wearing this ugly fleece thing you got for christmas with equally ugly fleece mittens that do not match each other let alone your coat and high heels which you made the mistake of wearing and almost slipped and broke your leg in the parking lot. Of course your coat is neither warm nor waterproof, because your winter coat needs a clean and a button sewn on and come to think of it probably doesn't even fit any more.

I am not happy, I am not drinking hot cocoa watching happy children skate on frozen ponds, I am at work with wet cold feet wishing I was back in bed.

amuse-bouche

2005-11-08T14:18:00.000-05:00

The apple juice I am drinking tastes really funny. It's in a tetra pack so it would be really hard for someone to tamper with it and to be honest I am not sure anyone hates me enough to go through that sort of effort. A car keying, tire slashing yes, a house egging sure, a picture defacing definately. But tampering with a juice box? Nah no one would go through that sort of effort for little old me. I need to start pissing people off better.

saintly actions

2005-11-07T12:33:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe I wrote a post making fun of a celebrity couple ... and Britney and Kevin at that, I didn't even do a really good one like everyone's favourite couple to rip apart, TomKat. I just hate that god damn perfume ad so much I couldn't resist, he is such a cheesy haired loser, I couldn't resist I tell ya. Ok enough about that, I am beginning to sound like someone who actually cares about celebrity couples. I mean when are Nick and Jessica going to admit their marriage is over, what is up with the charade? Oh I kid ... and I read the headlines at the grocery store checkout.

So here's the latest reason why I am an a completely selfish asshole. I decided instead of just giving to Oxfam or other charity, this year I would sponsor a child through Plan or Foster Parents Plan as it is called in Canada. Oh yes what good person I am I thought, so generous, so kind, so caring. Oh yes indeed I am a fucking saint. So I go to their website and I start checking it out, oh yes only $33 a month. And I start to think ... why that's $396 a year. That's almost $400, I can't afford that. I mean I just don't have an extra $33 a month. I feel bad but I just cannot afford that, I have so many bills, so many debts to pay.

On Saturday I was going over to friends for some dinner, fondue, drinking and cheese cake. Oh yes and lets not forget chatting and laughing. I volunteered to bring some booze. So I stop at the liquor store and spend oh about $35 on a bottle of Rye without batting an eye. $35 for a bottle of Rye ... that's not expensive, that's normal, its not unusual for me to spend $35 on a bottle of booze or beer or a night at the pub or movies or wine and snacks on a Saturday night. It doesn't even phase me ... but to consider giving that kind of money away ... you know to a poor child in some forgotten village in some forgotten country so they could, oh I dunno go to school or get some clean water in their village. Yes spending $1.60 on a diet coke everyday is a far better investment.

Well needless to say I feel like the worlds biggest asshole hypocrite.

is it just me?

2005-11-04T12:04:00.000-05:00

Oh my god, has anyone else seen that absolutely horrid commercial for that crappy Britney Spears perfume. Now granted she was probably all post partum hormone crazy when she made it, and I wouldn't want to judge anyone on their actions after all of that, but come on. I mean if my sister, who just had a baby 3 weeks ago, was acting all crazy and wanted to publicly humiliate herself for everyone to see, I would tell her it wasn't a good idea, then if she insisted I would try to stop her even if it meant locking her in her house. Does Britney have no advisors? Does she have no one to tell her not to make a fool of herself? Is she now so rich that she ignores her well meaning family, friends and employees thinking she knows everything. Oh wait she married that dancer guy didn't she .. oh yeah and that show they had ... I take back the post partum comment, she just sucks.

You know who her husband reminds me of? The loser cool guy in high school. You know who he is, every high school or town has one. He was the guy who, in junior high then later high school, all the girls thought was totally hot even though he was a skinny white boy with cheesy hair. His coolness was elevated to an even higher when he dated some tough chick half the school was scared of. After knocking her up then leaving her, he is still, for some incredibly stupid and unknown reason, a hot commodity among the hot skinny (only considered hot at this point in their lives because they are skinny) white girls. He then sluts around before somehow landing either a) a rich pretty girl or b) a pretty and smart girl with a bright future. No one knows how the hell this happened because at this point he has usually dropped out of school and spends his days hanging at the mall dabbling in petty crime on weekends. Either of these lucky girls who end up with the big prize of their high school, realize after about a year he is a big fucking loser going nowhere in life and dump his sorry ass. This usually happens upon high school graduation you know, once they venture into the real world. He spends the next several years continuing to date high school girls, but eventually they all think is too old. He is now just a loser with cheesy hair wearing a wifebeater hanging at the mall. Eventually you never see him again, but you heard he now rents a place in the trailer park, selling dope and collecting welfare.

And that's who Mr. Britney Spears reminds me of, I don't know why. Is it just me? I CANNOT wait for that album of his to hit the shelves!!!

walmart

2005-11-02T21:32:00.000-05:00

I hate many, many things about WalMart. I know I shouldn't shop there, but I just cannot resist the cheap prices and how you can pick up all your toilettries and cleaning supplies and small appliances and make up and movies and computer stuff and even overly processed junk food all at once. I know it's wrong and I am ashamed that I sell my soul for this convenience. But you know what I hate most about WalMart?

No it's not how my stress level skyrockets as I try to find a parking spot while navigating through a sea of shopping carts, snotty crying kids, minivans stopping for no apparent reason, and stupid people who think that it is ok to walk in the middle of the parking aisle even though they are holding up 10 cars trying to snag the one spot someone just pulled out of.

No it's not how the aisles are just not quite wide enough to get 2 carts by each other without ramming into the shelves.

No it's not the fact that a majority of the people who shop there are well beyond morbidly obese and there is no way in hell you can fit your cart down the aisle they are in because, as mentioned previously, the aisles are so narrow 2 carts can barely get by let alone 2 carts and one GIGANTIC ass.

No it's not the fact that a majority of the people who shop there have the most ill behaved children on the planet. I have been pushed, shoved even, kicked, screamed at, stared at and pointed at on numerous occasions without the parents doing ANYTHING ... I tell no lies, I was totally shoved by this kid once as I tried to get some toilet paper ... and not a fun I am playing push, a mean "get the fuck out of my way" shove and the mother looked at me as though I had hit her child, I think she may have actually wanted me to apologize for being in the fuckers way. I didn't move, I took extra time.

No it's not the fact that they are corporate devils who intentionally ruin communities so as not to lose a profit.

No it's not that fact that I am sure they have many questionable practices in third world nations that help them get those prices rolling back everyday. I mean 3 cents a week is probably a rich mans wage in Bangladesh, and look how they're giving jobs to the locals .. the chains are just so they don't take too many toilet breaks, those Bangladeshi are a sneaky lot you know always trying to take advantage.

No its not the fact that their cashiers ask "did you find everything you were looking for?" ... like I am going to hold up the angry mob of people behind me in line by saying ... Oh you know what? I couldn't find that dental floss in mint, all they had was regular, can you get someone to check and see if you have any in stock?

You know what I hate the most ... it's the geriatric greeters. It's the fact that they brag about hiring seniors. My god, should any company be bragging that they make someone over 65 stand all day long, not only stand but also tape up peoples bags before they shoplift some kraft dinner and help people get carts. I mean when's the last time you stood for 8 hours or even 4 hours, assuming they have shorter shifts. Holy crap, I cannot do it without some serious aching and I am only 31. I suspect that they are actually really long shifts because I only ever see one old guy at my WalMart ... and let me tell you he is one miserable greeter .. he never smiles and to be honest I can't blame him. The worse part is that they advertise it like they are doing a great service to the community by hiring these vibrant older people who still want to work. Oh puhlease ... no one WANTS to work at WalMart and no one over 65 wants to work unless they are making tons of money for giving their opinions about something. If you are over 65 and working at WalMart ... hell if you are any age working WalMart its because you need to pay the bills and you can't do it any other way. And that is what I hate most about WalMart ... not that you really cared.

seven

2005-11-01T12:16:00.000-05:00

Since I still have nothing to humour myself with on this blog I will do this thing someone tagged me with months ago.

7 Things You Plan To Do Before You Die - Well I couldn't possibly pick just 7 so how about 7 Places I would like to visit before I die

India
China
New Zealand
Norway
St. Lucia ... or maybe Jamaica, one of those really nice Caribbean islands
Africa ... yeah the whole continent ... except the crazy war torn genocide inflicted places, unless I was working there with the UN or something (it could happen). Ok Maybe a safari through the south/ south east ... damn it I just want to see giraffes and the plains and a wicked lightening storm ok and maybe the jungle and some gorillas.
Vancouver Island ... that's right I would like to see the other side of this country .. and all the places in between .. well not ALL, but at least a place or two in every province.

7 Things You Can't Do (Well)

Sing ... well I can sing, but apparently it's off key or I am tone deaf or maybe people just don't appreciate the talent I have and are jealous.
Whistle ... ever since I wore braces
Draw
Play any instrument
Play any sport that involves balls or hitting or throwing or strength ... any sport really
Accept compliments with any sort of grace ... although I have really been trying this past year
Schmooze and hob nob

7 Things You Can Do

Kick Trivial Pursuit ass
Math .. although I couldn't differentiate my way out of a paper bag these days
Bitch about pretty much anything .. name something I can bitch about it ... go on I dare you
Travel and live in a foreign country on my own
Acheive my goals ... I got some will power there when I feel like using it
Forgive
Be completely independent

7 Things That Attract You To The Opposite Sex - in no particular order

Mouth/Lips
Arms/Hands .. strong arms and hands .. hell yeah
Strength (both physical and mental ... and no, I hate bubble muscle guys .. gag)
Eyes
Sense of humour ... a good one, not stupid and cheesy
Integrity
Intelligence

7 Thing You Say The Most (feel free to let me know otherwise, this is what I think I say the most)

Why are you so stupid? (ok I think it the most not really say it)
Indeed
Anyway ...
Oh puhlease
Fuck off/this/you/me/it (I have a terrible potty mouth)
Oh my god
Totally (somehow it doesn't sound so valley girl in my head when I say it)

7 Celebrity Crushes

Colin Firth
Ewan McGregor
Jamie Oliver
Mats Sundin
Keifer Sutherland
Viggo Mortensen
Ralph Fiennes

And that is that ... make fun of me if you wish, let me know what you think if you like, and do it in your own blog if you so desire.

nada nil nuthin

2005-10-31T12:07:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting as often as I would like to lately ... I have been a busy girl, well that and I can't seem to think of much to say.

I just stared at this screen for 30 minutes and nothing came to me ... nada. Ok I lie, I didn't stare at the screen the whole time, I ate my lunch, stared at the screen, read the news, stared at the screen, read an email, stared at the screen etc. I had lots of stuff to write about last week when I was too busy to do it ... now I am blank. So what do I do, well I write a post about having nothing to say of course.

love love love

2005-10-25T21:38:00.000-04:00

I decided to do something completely different today. I like to complain ... ok I LOVE to complain, yeah I know it's a fault, I prefer to think of it as charm but whatever. I can complain about the most perfect day, I can find fault with absolutely everything, and not only do I find the fault I have to point it out to everyone ... yeah so I am a bit of a pessimist, a bit of a cynic, a bit of bitch ... ok a lot of all of the above. So today I am going to write about something completely opposite, I am going to tell you about something I love, other than complaining.

I love musicals ... I am not talking Les Miserables or Phantom of the Opera (although I am sure they are good, if you like that kind of thing) I am talking cheesy, singing, dancing, jazz hands shaking all over the place musicals ... I LOVE it. LOVE IT. I like the more modern ones too, but there must be dancing and singing to catchy tunes. In my perfect world I would just break into song and dance whenever anything good or bad happened to me ... I would tap dance my way through an argument, I would shake my ass when I fell in love, I would slide on the floor when I was happy and I would sing, sing, sing all the time. I do sing and shake my ass in my apartment quite a bit, but I live on my own ... none of this breaking into song and perfectly choreographed dancing in the middle of the street ... *sigh* if only.

Perhaps the reason I love them so much is that they are so far removed from reality that you don't have to point out how unrealistic or stupid it is. That could also explain why I also LOVE Jane Austen books ... ok ok I have only actually read one of the books, but I have to watch all the movies (BBC productions are my fav). But my love for Mr. Darcy will have to wait for another post.

baghdad bullies

2005-10-24T12:15:00.000-04:00

I saw this picture in the paper today.

Haven't these children been through enough already. Did you have to steal their bicycles too?

Blah blah blah I can see the nasty comments on my blog now ... yeah I am not stupid I do realize the soldiers are actually playing with the children and this picture was probably published as a misguided propaganda attempt to show the americans care about the Iraqi people. I thought it was so funny because it looks like big american bullies are stealing the children's bicycles at gun point not playing with them. No I don't hate soldiers and no I don't hate americans ... well not ALL americans ... lol.

missing things

2005-10-17T17:29:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine came to visit from Houston for the weekend. It was great to see her because I don't get to as often as I would like and I miss her. Before I dropped her off at the airport this afternoon we stopped at the Superstore so she could pick up some things she misses and cannot get in the great US of A. Canada and America have pretty much the same crap but there are always those weird things from your own country that you miss. I had it the same way when I lived in the UK. It wasn't THAT different in terms of food and toilettries but there were just things I missed, I would ask some of it to be brought when people visited or mailed to me if possible. The things I remembering missing the most:

Kraft Dinner
Miracle Whip
Coffee Crisp ... but I think they have those there now
solid stick antiperspirant
Subway
Poutine
orange juice, real orange juice not squash
soft toilet paper
DuMaurier cigarettes
Big bags of chips
Eggs cooked well, you know, with the yolks hard (they don't do this and looked at me like I was insane when I would ask, then give them to me runny anyway. I found this peculiar considering they over cook absolutely everything else over there)
Halloween candy
Bread that wasn't sliced paper thin
Tampons with applicators
Red Rose tea, yes in the land of tea I missed Canadian tea ... pity
Keith's IPA

Once I moved back I decided I didn't actually like Subway very much and I wasn't sure why I had ever loved it so much. I never eat Miracle Whip on anything anymore. Kraft Dinner ... well Kraft Dinner is one of those things I eat about once a year when the mood strikes me, but if I can't have it I miss it so much. I made my own poutine a few times when i lived there but it is never as good when you make it yourself and my flatmates thought I was mental, but they already thought for numerous other reasons.

junky

2005-10-13T20:44:00.000-04:00

They say that quitting smoking is the hardest habit to quit. That the addiction is stronger than heroin and crack. I think people want to believe that notion for 2 reasons 1) so people who failed at quitting can say, yes I failed, but its harder than quitting crack so I am not that bad and 2) so people who have successfully quit can feel superior to everyone on the planet, including ex-junkies and those who have never smoked at all. Since I don't think I can play the "I am so superior" card until I have been a quitter for at least a year (it's only been 2 months) I'll tell you that personally I think its all a load of shit. Yeah it can be hard but you know what's harder than quitting smoking and therefore harder to quit than any injected, snorted, smoked, swallowed or inserted (yes, inserted) substance on the planet ... the DC ... yes try to quit drinking diet coke (or Pepsi).

This addiction has a stranglehold on me ... I cannot stop drinking it, no matter how I try. Cold turkey doesn't work, cutting back doesn't seem to work. What I need to do is replace it with another substance ... oh and please don't say water ... I am not a robot I cannot go fro DC to water like that ... and I drink water too. I don't know what to do, do they have support groups for addicts? Like AA ... Diet Cola-aholics Anonymous? Maybe a patch with aspartame and caffeine, but 0 calories? I don't even know what the hell is in it that makes it so addictive.

My love affair, and consequent addiction, started innocently enough. I was trying to get off the regular Pepsi, so I thought I would start drinking diet because at the time I couldn't stand the stuff and figured it was so disgusting I would stop drinking it altogether. It's like I traded in a once a week marijuana addiction (I am not sure that even qualifies as addiction but you get the point) for a daily crack one. Except I am pretty sure Diet Coke doesn't make me feel as good as crack would, and yet I can't stop. I don't want to say what my daily consumption is but it's enough to have coworkers, friends and family tell me I drink too much, have them send me the occasional email about how its rotting my guts and turning my brain to turpentine. What am I so addicted to anyway the aspartame? the caffeine? the carbonation? the caramel colouring? the citric or phosphoric acid? the sodium benzoate? the acesulfame-potassium, sweet, sweet acesulfame-potassium? or how the combination of these ingredients fill me with such refreshing joy? I need some serious help!!

advanced european formula

2005-10-12T13:00:00.000-04:00

You know what's funny? In North America you find the word European or the expression "European formula" or "Advanced" or even better "Secret European Formula" used on items, especially cosmetics and creams. Its such marketing bullshit, but we have it in our heads that Europeans are classier, better looking and over all more cultured. In truth they are not better looking, they just aren't as fat as us across the pond. It is something I always found amusing and the fact that it will sell products from anti-wrinkle cream to strawberries that actually come from Canada is impressive. Are we really that stupid? Why do we fall for it? But it's not just us, go to Europe and you find "American" on everything from cigarettes to clothing (none of which actually are American). If you ask me it shows that Europeans are the idiots, buying something just because it's American ... puhlease ... but ok I am being continentist. One thing you won't find is "Canada" used to sell products, not in Europe anyway. Somehow "Advanced Canadian Formula" would probably have people thinking its made from moose piss or beaver fur extract.

Alright I am going somewhere with this, last night I was at the grocery store doing a really leisurely shop. It was so leisurely I went to the all natural products section and started checking stuff out. And that is where I saw "Advanced European Formula" emblazoned on yet another product. But this time it wasn't cream to make me look fabulous and 20 years younger or a secret way to shed those pesky 50 pounds. It was deodorant .... oh how I laughed, I actually started laughing right there. I mean if there is one thing Europeans are not masters at formulating it's got to be deodorant, I mean if they were surely someone ... anyone over there would use it. Not to make fun or Europeans, well ok it is to make fun of Europeans who am I kidding, but I get the impression that Europeans still use perfume to hide bad body smells not prevent them by forcing your skin to absorb aluminum at toxic levels like we are so obsessed with over here.

Are the makers (or perhaps marketers) of that deodorant really that clueless that they think "European" would make this deodorant desirable? It is about desirable as the following:

Advanced British Formula Toothpaste
Australian designed snow shoes
Scottish gourmet Cook Books
Pope Benedict XIV's 101 Ways to Please a Woman
Spanish Engineered ... well pretty much anything
American Cheese
Chinese style Tacos

bosu bashing

2005-10-11T22:59:00.000-04:00

I have been really good about getting to the gym since I joined this new one a year ago. I am quite proud of myself, in the past it was always a maximum three month stint at which point I usually stopped going for any variety of reasons ... but my shame and pathetic excuses for being lazy are too vast for this post tonight. I would, however, like to turn your attention to gym equipment in general.

Ah gym equipment, oh how you taunt me. I hate the many varieties of gym equipment for the way in which it tortures me. the stairmaster is a cruel, cruel bitch, the elliptical tried to kill me, the leg press caused me so much heartache I couldn't get off the futon for days, the chest fly machine spread rumours around the gym, and the shoulder press made me cry. But you know what the absolute most evil piece of gym equipment is? It is the Bosu ball.

Do you know what it is? Because one year ago I sure as hell didn't and I wish to this day I still did not. It is a half inflated ball, so its flat on one side and a ball on the other. Yeah it was bad enough when my trainer, I lovingly refer to him as the Bastard, made me do shoulder flies on it, well ok that's alright, I thought, I can do this. Then he made me do some jumping thing, on and off it. The Bastard claims this improves core strength and it improves my balance. Doesn't he realize that I don't have bad balance I am just drunk? But ok that was not fun it was really tough and I hated it. But now ... now you know what the Bastard is making me do ... he makes do crunches on it. Yes crunches.

So visualize this if you will ... my ass sitting on this half ball thing with my knees up ... I am basically sitting on half a ball balanced in a V sit with knees bent. Do you have any idea how hard that is?? Holy shit... just balancing there is tough and would be a work out enough but no then I have to move ... I have to do crunches. Oh my god I actually thought I was going to heave after 15, it is soooooo hard. But no it doesn't end there, oh god no ... that would be merciful. No then I am supposed to do the air bike on it ... in slow motion, because well you can't do it fast or you will fall off. Besides the fact that you cannot breath while doing this exercise, it makes me want to vomit up all the water I had been drinking. And I am not exaggerating ... when I get 15 done, because if I am really lucky I can actually do 15 ... I actually roll of the ball clutching my stomach in pain and holding my mouth in case I puke.

The Bastard says this is great and I will have strong abs in no time ... I personally think the real exercise comes from trying to control the heaving so my bottle of evian does not end up on the floor of the weight room. The only reason why I actually attempt to do them is stupid pride too ... because next week when I meet him again I want to say yes I have been doing your stupid exercises on the devil ball and they still suck and I still have a flabby belly ... obviously the bosu ball is overrated and must be burned back in the fiery depths of hell from whence it came.

repost

2005-10-05T08:34:00.000-04:00

Can I just say something about my last post ... you know the video games and being ignored. Can I just explain that what I wrote was what I could imagine happening when I saw the game in hand, not what actually happened. I kind of left it off after I arrived, no video games were played, movies were watching, fun was had, it was a very good night. I wasn't lying, those were my crazy thoughts. And well, ok, I also admit that even if I had arrived sans the sexy outfit I would not have been ignored for the video game, we still would have watched movies and had a nice evening as planned. But what kind of a post is that?? This is how it would have been if I had written that way:

I don't understand men's love of video games, it baffles me. I have no desire to kill things in real life let alone space creatures trying to invade earth on my computer monitor. Is this a fundamental difference between men and women? Am I being completely judgmental and sexist. This guy I am seeing plays video games, we went shopping on Saturday and he bought a game extension for a game he really enjoys. He was pretty excited about it. Since this is something he obviously really enjoys I have and was, on Saturday, asking him about the game, how its played, what it's about, has he ever finished it, what does the extension do. Am I interested in learning about the game? I am a little interested in why men find them so enjoyable yes, but I got to be honest it's only really because I like hearing him talk about things he finds interesting. Am I going to start playing video games? I highly doubt it, but I enjoy the conversation and asking stupid questions about it all the same.

On the way home as he continues to talk about the game, I begin to wonder, due to my own insecurities, if he still wants to rent movies and hang out or if he just wants to play his game. I then think about the sexy outfit I bought earlier in the week. This is perfect opportunity to wear it because a) his roommate is gone away b) I am getting over a cold so hopefully he won't be expecting it and c) I can use the excuse I needed to something to get his attention away from his game. We stop at blockbuster to rent some movies. What the heck was I worried about, he wouldn't ditch me like that, he is actually a very considerate guy, he wouldn't invite me over then ignore me the whole time to play video games. He does nice things for me and buys the pizza I like and likes hanging out with me. I am such a retard, I should know better. Oh he so deserves the sexy outfit, I am really glad I bought it, I can't wait to go home and put it on.

I come back wearing the outfit, he is sitting in front of his computer, I unveil it, he likes it. There is a moment when he looks back at his computer, I feel kind of like I am competing with it. Turns out he had to install some drivers for the game and was making sure they worked and his computer was working and not crashing (or something like that, I know nothing about computers really). We have a good night, he goes and gets the pizza I like and a diet coke for me and we watch our movies, which I know we would have done if I had left on my green capris and white Tshirt. It was nice and fun. He finally got to play his game on Sunday.

Can I just ask .... who the hell wants to read that post? That's not funny? While yes that's what happened it doesn't actually expose the real craziness of my fears, it's doesn't amplify the feeling women have about competing with video games and electronics. And well lets just face it, it was awfully ... you know ... sweet ... and well I want the bitchy, sarcastic, cynical, cold hearted me back ... she was wayyyyy more fun.

space invaders

2005-10-03T12:08:00.000-04:00

You know I hate to generalize and I hate to be sexist but what the fuck is up with men and video games. Yeah yeah I know, not all men like them and yes even some women like them but lets face it, it's a predominantly male thing, go into any game store what do you see? The only women in there are mother's of boys begging "puhlease mum" and girlfriends looking for their boyfriends who they lost somewhere between "Ooooo the GAP is having a sale" and "Which khaki's make me look thinnest?". And I gotta tell you I don't get it. I can get the sports thing, that can be exciting ... ok I am not a huge sports fan, but I can get the excitement, the thrill, when your team scores or wins and the disappointment when they lose. But video games? I don't understand.

I have played a few, you know Super Mario or Sonic the Hedgehog, stupid ones and frankly after a while they just stressed me out, and they were stupid easy ones ... hell even I finished Sonic. Are men really hardwired into fighting and killing that when there isn't a war or territory to defend, doing it on your computer satisfies the urge? It's got to be an urge, because I don't have it and frankly killing space elves really does nothing for me.

So on Saturday afternoon I was at a mall with a guy I am seeing, of course he goes into the game store, I go get a drink. I wander back with my Pepsi and what is this ... oh no he has a game in his hand ... but .... but ... but we were going to rent movies and hang out tonight. He is pretty excited about this game ... or sorry game "extension", it's not like it was even a new game ... but ok, it's only fair this is what he likes and thinks is fun. So I ask some questions about the game, meanwhile I am having visions of me sitting on the couch watching movies by myself while he plays video games.

I just have to do this one thing ... let me just finish this **** (video game thing, I won't pretend I know the terminology) ... oh but wait I just killed a gazillion ogres from the volcanic caves of Mars ... hey check it out I blah blahed the blah blah blah and now I am going to blah blah on the blah blah with a blah blah blah.

Wow honey that sounds great ... no, no it's ok I really like watching movies at your place by myself ... really ... I do ... asshole ... what? No I didn't say anything under my breath. Oh well would you look at the time, yeah I got to get home and uh .. yeah you know feed my cat ... bye ... you know I don't have a cat right? yeah ok bye.

So ok maybe I exaggerate a teensy bit but I did not like where this evening was headed. So I decide to take matters into my own hands. I decided I would go home and put on the sexy new outfit I bought earlier in the week. I was waiting for the right time to wear it and my nasty cold seemed to be waning, and damn it, I wanted the attention lavished on me not some stupid video game. Holy crap am I ever a typical whining girl, I didn't realize it before ... shit ... well this is enlightening. Anyway back to my story. So I tell him I am going home for a bit and will be back shortly. Oh ok take your time, really take your time he says. Oh man he so just wants to play that game ... no not that easily, we are going to watch movies and hang out as planned damn it.

So I go home and get all dressed up in the new sexy outfit with my black trench coat over top. I show up, and sure enough he is sitting in front of his computer getting the game installed. I unveil the sexy outfit ... explaining that I knew I would need something special to get his attention away from the game. He likes the outfit, very much, but there is a moment ... he looks back at the computer and then at me ... like it was some sort of fucking decision. If that moment had been any longer ... well I hear a knee high 4 inch heel boot doesn't feel so good in the ass.

For the record, I am not that much of a whiny, attention craving, "look at me", "listen to me" kind of girl ... really, I am not ... I don't think so anyway ... we had plans, and a video game wasn't part of it. Oh god I AM one of those women I swore I would never be aren't I? Shit. But I didn't mind when he played it the next day and I watched football half the afternoon, do I get any credit? Crap, I thought I was pretty cool about that kind of stuff.

apology

2005-09-30T17:40:00.000-04:00

Oh my god that was the worse blog post ever. So sorry. Can I blame the cold? Can I blame the drugs? This morning I was still delusional in thinking that maybe, just maybe I could get rid of this thing before it got too bad ... I am such an idiot sometimes. I just know the worse has yet to surface yet ... I hate that. I am in for the long haul, by sunday I'll be so stir crazy from my apartment I am sure I will have something ever so enlightening to write about.

sick sucks

2005-09-30T08:09:00.000-04:00

I have been a bad blogger again. I mean I have been busy and sick, I hurt my neck last weekend, and now that it's better I have managed to infect myself with cold. I felt so weak yesterday and that tickle in my throat has turned into a rather nasty feeling, not sore not phlegmy, do you know the feeling, like you want to cough but for no reason. Anyway I took a ton of medication last night and again this morning, I am really trying to nip this thing in the bud. Its funny with me and meds I usualy won't take them until I am in so much pain that everyone in hearing distance of my whines is yelling at me to take them and shut the fuck up or they'll shut me up.

Although to be honest I am such a big baby when I am sick it doesn't take long for me to get to that point. I blame my mum for that, I think she felt bad about being a working mum that she couldn't always be with us when we were home sick with a cold or flu. I mean its just a cold, its not like I was dying. But guilty she felt because she would buy me candy when I was sick and spoil me rotten. My mum never bought us candy, but it never failed if I was sick and had to go to the babysitters and sleep on her couch all day my mom would buy me a bag of candy, and good stuff too. Yeah because candy is so great for a cold. I love my mum but now, now I am such a freakin wuss and damn it, I want presents and candy when I am sick ... lol. I don't even really like candy but when I am sick I want someone to buy it for me and rub my back and ears (that was my mums comforting move, the ear rub). Can I just say my old roommates hated it when I was sick ... lol ... they were usually good sports and humour me for a while though, then they would just avoid the apartment until I was better.

So I am sick, and I doped myself up again this morning, I am pretty doped up too, my finger tips are feeling numb. But damn it I had plans this weekend, and this fucking cold has gone and ruined it. The worse part is that my mum is up visiting and I can't even take advantage of her coddling me because I don't want to infect my sister with this cold. We were going to have chinese food for supper too, and my mum was going to take me shopping and buy me a birthday present. It was going to be fun. But now, now I am going to sit home, in my tiny apartment with a funky throat and a runny nose watching bad TV and having no one to complain too. This is when living alone really sucks. Thank god I have this blog I can really feel like I am whining and complaining to someone. Feel free to send candy.

And this why I haven't blogged lately ... god that's a bad post, earlier in the week it would have just been me complaining about my sore neck.

my sweaters are still dirty

2005-09-21T21:41:00.000-04:00

Last night I did laundry at a laundromat I had never been to before. This in itself is shocking as I thought I had tried and tested every shitty laundry joint in this town, but apparently I was saving the worse for last. It was really cheap, but I don't think my clothes actually got clean, you couldn't see any suds in the front loaders, so I think I just got my clothes wet and then dried them. They smell better anyway (thanks to the drier sheet), that's something I guess. I mean I guess I should have known the class of this establishment by the woman, who was leaving when I walked in. She laughed at me and said ... haha I am all done ... to which I replied ... haha I still have my front teeth ... ok I didn't ACTUALLY say it, I just thought it.

This morning a car ran into mine as we were both making right hand turns in a double right hand turn lane. He jumped lanes and smacked me. It didn't dent my car, surprising, since it was quite a bang. He just scratched the paint on the bottom of my back passenger side door and wheel well edge. I kind of feel like a bitch making him pay for such a fixing but I take really good care of my car, and I don't want it all scratched.

What do these things have in common? Nothing at all. However, I find it intriguing and odd that the fact that the washers at the laundromat sucked pissed me off way more than the fact that someone hit me and scratched up my car while driving to work.

how it is at work

2005-09-19T18:05:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine at work was telling me about a drawing class her friend is taking where you can get the models to pose in any sexual position you ask. Well I don't think I need to tell you how that conversation snowballed, obviously ending with sexual positions being called out at random ... you know, until we got worried someone might say one we don't know. Which is worse being the one who doesn't know or the one who yelled one out that no one else knows?

Our admin assistant told me that I should maybe think about hooking up with our lawyer. Yeah I was in a meeting with our lawyer once, besides the fact that the man kind of has a body like a "little person" even though he isn't one, he spent about 90% of the meeting staring at my breasts. I am hoping against all hope that maybe we got a new lawyer that she was referring to, not because I want to date him, but because if she is talking about the one I know, she must think I am a) really desperate and b) really ugly with a really shitty personality. Ok I am sure he is a nice enough guy but its almost as bad (actually a lot worse) as the union boss someone else at work wanted to hook me up with. Thanks but no thanks guys, really, I mean it, stop, I am begging you.

At least its not just me, the freaky guy I work with was also getting it last week. I was overhearing a conversation our admin assistant was having about asking the guy if she could give him a make over, i.e. cutting off his comb over, burning his floods, buying him clothes that weren't meant for an 80 year old ... he's 32 ... it's strange ... and disturbing ... in many ways I can't get into now. He refused, which is unfortunate, if only he would try the cologne ... or a shower ... or even paying for a hair cut instead of doing it himself ... comb overs are harder to cut than they look.

I was dressed the same as my boss on Friday ... my boss is a man.

I ran into a guy I work with at the supermarket parking lot on Friday night as I was picking up some party supplies (cocktail ingredients). He was parked next to me, I said hi, he told me it was his brothers birthday I told him it was mine too, he came over to give what I thought was a birthday hug ... but instead he planted one on me, right on the lips, I tried to do the cheek turn but I was too late. At least it wasn't the lawyer guy.

Our old admin assistant baked me cookies for my birthday and wrapped them up in a box with ribbon and everything. I didn't want to share them, but I did ... begrudgingly.

A bunch of us were actually using the term "package" in reference to men we work with, yup we are classy ladies.

The women's washroom smelled like pumpkin this morning, I don't know why nor do I want to.

The hallway where I sit has smelled very bad and stuffy every single morning for the past month and a half and I am the only one who seems to notice it ... it's really gross and stuffy you know? Like that smell when people have been sleeping in a closed room with crap ventilation then you walk in, it's like that. I don't have a super sensitive sense of smell and it really annoys me no one else notices.

And that is how it is at work this past week.

In case anyone is wondering, my craziness has receded back to it's typical levels.

thirty-one

2005-09-16T14:18:00.000-04:00

Today I turned thirty-one. My mood has lifted. I am scared I am becoming one of those people who gets so bitter and angry around their birthdays that I make everyone else hate me and their own lives because I am somehow involved in it. That's what my dad used to do anyway, he still does I imagine, I just don't talk to him around his birthday I just send a card. What?? It's Hallmark, at least I care enough to send the very best. Although I think he gets enormous pleasure out of making people miserable so I am kind of denying him the one thing in this world that makes him happy, i.e. knowing everyone else is more miserable.

Anyhow enough about that, I love my dad I really do. Lets discuss me some more, me and my incredibly bitchy sad "why does everything shit happen to me" mood. I am either on the verge of some serious depression or its these pills. yeah yeah I know its been 2 months stop the complaining and either suck it up or get a prescription. The first month was brutal, but I really didn't want to try something new right away, I thought that might be worse. This month was actually ok until this week. Fuck shit piss asshole bitch ... there just aren't enough swear words to describe my nastiness this week. For one thing my period started early, I had cramps and bloating from hell, my breasts still do not fit properly into any bras I own, to the delight of several people I caught checking out my rack this week. And exhausted ... my mind was actually in a fog and I was getting plenty of sleep. I was on the verge of tears pretty much 24-7, and for no real reason. I was at a red light the other night then I thought once it just turns green maybe I shouldn't go, maybe I should just say there, just keep stopping. This made me think I was crazy which made me cry. Seriously, what the hell???

Then I got the crazies, you know the crazy thoughts the irrational crazy thoughts. Like there seriously is some sort of universal grudge against me. And both fate and people are working against me, even in little ways. I know this isn't true, I know this, but still, what do I know, the universe is a mysterious place, maybe its all just a big experiment every one is in on to see at what point I snap, to see what finally drives me over the edge. Because you know the gods aren't testing tsunami and hurricane victims, people who are starving to death or being tortured, or treated like animals and human garbage. Fate is not seeing what will drive the woman who had to watch her children all die before she did ... oh god no ... it's far too busy making my jeans a little more snug than they were last week, its too busy making sure the cook at the restaurant accidentally cooks me the wrong meal, it's too busy ensuring I never get a nice haircut, it's too busy filling the stores with clothes I don't particularly fancy and sales people who annoy me because they are either talking to me or ignoring me. Yup that's it ... frankly all the other victims of disasters, poverty, war and just basic human cruelty are not the real victims it's me, I am the one suffering. I know this is irrational, I know its not right but still, it is still in there.

So the crazies left sometime yesterday making just feel blue, I didn't really realize I was so glum until someone asked me if they had cheered me up. Now the blueness has seemed to have gone thankfully. I feel better, but I am scared, what if I am just on the verge of a break down and its not the pills causing serious menstrual craziness. What if I am just using the pills as an excuse for my heightened insanity. have any of you, dear readers, felt this completely messed in the head from PMS, menstrual cycles and or birth control pills. Like seriously if this is what pregnancy and menopause are going to feel like then count me out. I DO have a choice in these things don't I? Ok enough of the boring, "I am so crazy" rant, it just kind of felt good to write it down, made me feel less crazy.

Today is my birthday, I am going out with some girlfriends for dinner, cake and cocktails ... goodtimes are sure to be had ... Happy birthday to me, lalala (you know how it goes).

walking cliche

2005-09-15T08:29:00.000-04:00

I have started about 10 blog posts this week but I ended up deleting them all. I will be 31 years old tomorrow and it appears all I have to write about is :

my PMS, menstrual cramps and hormone fuck up that is my brain lately
the incredibly bad haircut I got on the weekend
the fact that I have no clothes (OK well very few) and I can't find any that I like and that fit
how painful power yoga turned out to be
how I have managed to gain 10 pounds in the past few weeks
how I don't want to turn 31, I kind of liked being 30
my cruel birth control pills and how I have to get on another brand
a stupid date I once went on
the really bad hair cut I got on the weekend, yes I could have written about it twice
how much I hate my body this week

I am a walking cliche ... I feel like Bridget fucking Jones in the flesh, how did this happen?

it's sunday

2005-09-11T14:48:00.000-04:00

I am trying to sort out all the crap in my apartment this weekend. Last night I did a wardrobe purge. My god, I actually did this just 6 months ago but I still had 2 (large) bags of crap to get rid of. Why do I keep stuff that I haven't worn in 2 years and is hopelessly out of style? I dunno, but I do. Kind of like those jeans that are way too small but you keep anyway with the hope you will someday actually be smaller than you were in high school because the jeans didn't fit then and that was 13 years ago and your parents thought you were anorexic. Is it just me?

Anyway along with the apartment purge I must clean my fridge and I don't just mean throw away jars of questionable condiments I mean actually wash it. So hanging on to the ambition I seemed to have on Friday when I decided to undertake this task I have yet to buy groceries. My fridge is pretty bare except some beer, pickles and about 5 jars of old salsa. I will clean the fridge, I will. But I am still ironing all the clothes in my closet. Turns out I had more fall clothes for work than I thought, I just needed to iron them all ... go figure ... I am lazy, and I have pretty much everything that belongs in my closet on my futon and I spent the last hour ironing and I am not done yet ...yuck, looks like there may be no groceries today either.

Due to the fact that I have not much to eat, ok nothing really, in the apartment I went to Mr. Sub. I got a small turkey sub with cheese, lettuce, pickles and mayo. It was pretty good, for a sub. When I finished I looked down at the spread out wrapper and was cleaning it up when I noticed the logo and catch phrase. It had the Mr. SUB logo then next to it, it said "More than enough". Well thanks Mr. SUB, thanks for telling me I just made a glutton of myself, and I yet again ate "more than enough". Mr. SUB is an asshole.

the wedding dress

2005-09-10T10:31:00.000-04:00

I haven't been a diligent blogger, but I have an excuse, I was in Nova Scotia for a week. I came back on Labour day ... and with me a brought a lovely head cold. Too much booze ... too many cigarettes ... too much laughing .... too much eating ... too much salty ocean air. In general I came back feeling like a bag of crap, which is how a good trip back east should end. All in all it was good time.

I got to see my aunt/godmother who was sick for quite sometime. She took a turn for the worse the day I arrived but I was able to see her on sunday, the night before I left. She just passed away on wednesday. I am not feeling as sad as perhaps you would think, I am happy her suffering is over. She was so drugged up when I saw her that I am sure the frustration of not being able to carry on a conversation no matter how hard she tried was almost as bad as the pain the drugs were helping her cope with. But this is not to be a depressing post, she was a pretty amazing woman, left Berlin during the 60's came to Canada alone, married my uncle and became a very good costume designer, she worked on movies they filmed in the province, all very cool. Over Christmas 2002 or 2003, I can't remember which one, anyway, I was home for the holidays. On Christmas day the phone rings and I answer it, it was my aunt. Merry Christmases are exchanged. We discuss the Christmas family dinner we will be attending then as I am about to get my mum she says to me ... Oh there was something I wanted to tell you. Ok I respond. She then says ... I want to make your wedding dress.

Alright, now at this point I don't know what to say, I am 28 years old, single and I wasn't even seeing anyone, I mean no one, I don't think I had even had sex in like .... well a long time. I was also wondering what the hell my mother had been spreading around. Now my mum is a great lady, but sometimes, well sometimes she says things that aren't entirely true, or were once true but aren't anymore, or she heard and thought were true, or about someone else and not the person she is saying they are about, or she just dreamt it (I don't really know). It's not really her fault, and she doesn't tell lies, just inconsistencies and sometimes she just doesn't tell you things you should know at all. Anyhow in the pause that followed on my end of the line I was thinking the worse, my mother has told people I am getting married ... why would she do this?

I am still silent. At this point I am quite sure my aunt was probably thinking I was a lesbian and I was trying to find a way to come out of the closet to her and tell her I would never be getting married, at least not to a man! So she pipes up ... I mean WHEN you get married, or IF you get married and maybe you won't and you'll live a long happy single life, and there's nothing wrong with that ... but if you do get married I really want to make your wedding dress and I wanted to tell you. I say thanks and give the phone to my mum.

I was kind of weirded out by the conversation and when my dad asked what she was talking about and I told him he laughed. So what the hell is so funny about me getting married? It bugged me that people would just assume I would get married and it bugged me that my dad laughed at the prospect of me getting married. Typical me. I went to a party that night and I told some of my girlfriends about it, thinking they would get all freaky like I did, but they all just said that was so nice. My aunt was, after all, a wicked costume designer. She would make a kick ass wedding dress no doubt at all. At our family dinner I told her that would be just great but I wasn't getting married anytime soon, but that I would love her to make it if I ever do.

Sometime afterwards she was diagnosed with cancer. When it was finally diagnosed as terminal and it could no longer be treated she calls my mum up and tells her that I have 2 options, either she doesn't make my wedding dress or I pick a style I like now and she makes it ... and hopefully I will still like it when I walk down the aisle. Well I laughed so hard I almost cried. Yes, that's what every single 30 year old woman wants is a wedding dress!!! When I haven't had a date in months, and I am feeling sorry for myself because I am feeling completely ugly and unloved I can get drunk and try it on, you know, to make sure it still fits, you know right before I shoot myself in the head. And not because I am single, and not because I haven't had a date or sex in months, oh no, because I own a wedding dress and I have never been married. Exactly how pathetic does she think I am? However, it would have been fun to show up at the door wearing it for dates ... actually that would have been very fun. Still no matter how much fun, I could never, would never sink to that level ... jesus. So after me and my mum laugh about the prospect of it all, we also discuss how I could also not allow my dying aunt to slave over a wedding dress for me, even if I actually was engaged and might, oh I don't know, use it.

That will always be the memory of my aunt/godmother that I will cherish the most. It makes me smile and laugh.

blog bashing

2005-08-29T12:39:00.000-04:00

Oh now I know I shouldn't make fun of other people's blogs, I mean you see some pretty interesting ones out there, some are good, some are really good, some are crap, there seem to be a lot of super right wing neo-christian/conservative blogs, I saw one just about shower curtains too, but most of them are just regular stuff about people and their lives. So ok I thought the one I once read about a girl and her life working in the shoe department at K-Mart and her bisexual boyfriend (who had internet bfs all over the world) who's family hated her was a joke. But by the time I read it all I realized it probably wasn't a joke and it wasn't some one trying to be funny, I felt kind of bad for laughing. But making fun of people's blogs is not the point.... um oh wait yes it is .. sorry, for a second I forgot what a complete bitch I really am. I just saw this one, and it appears to be a blog of a couple and everyday they post a picture of themselves together that day, not many words just a caption. It's really kind of bizarre, and eccentric and egotistical ... but hey all blogs are egotistical really. Anyhow I found it amusing especially when I came across the entry that said they didn't have time to post a picture the day before because they had spend 8 hours playing D&D. Sweet!

Yeah yeah go ahead ... I know I am a mean horrible person making fun of other people's blogs ... like mine is a work of creative genius ... it's not like I said I was better than these people, I just think it's funny, so shoot me. And I have no question in my head strangers (and friends probably too) have read this blog and thought ... what a complete: loser/pathetic individual/ idiot/moron/sad excuse of a woman/smokin' hot babe/hilarious individual/witty genius ... oh sorry I got a bit full of myself there, how did that happen?

the trouble with thong

2005-08-29T08:41:00.000-04:00

Thong panties have come a long way in the past few years. I mean every girl wears em, and not just women, I mean girls, 12 and up (possibly younger but that really is not something I want to think about). Yeah maybe its for the sex appeal but I think the real reason for their increase in popularity is the lack of panty lines, clothes have also become a lot tighter in the past few years. I like tight clothes, I like to wear tight pants. So you would think I would embrace the thong. I have to say no. In general I just avoided them, I mean my pants weren't that tight and I the thought of having the piece of material up the crack bugged me. I mean obviously I had worn them before, just not on a regular basis, on a regular day, they were put on and usually rather quickly removed.

A few months ago I decided the panty lines were not really necessary given the abundance of thong panties one had to choose from. I decided I should just bite the bullet and buy some damn thong panties like very one else and their grandma. So I did. And I will admit, perhaps pink and brown lace was not the ideal choice in colours, but they looked so pretty on the shelf. I got home and tried them on .... oh god they looked hideous and my ass looked like it .... well I don't know how to describe it ... it looked like it doubled in size and ******************************* ... I am sorry, I wrote a rather telling description of my ass there, and I didn't want to inflict that image onto anyone, it wasn't pretty, lets leave it at that. I was telling a friend of mine about it. She says to me ... oh are you crazy ... never ever look at your ass after you put them on, just put on your pants. Ok fine.

So here I am, first thing in the morning at work. I bought some rather snug pants, they are standard black, creased, tight in the arse pants. I had wicked panty lines, I put on the thong ... I am weak and I couldn't help but check myself out in the mirror. I survived. Ok, I was thinking, I can do the thong. Yeah I know the material up the bum is a weird feeling, but its not right up the bum, I will get used to it, if everyone else can do I can do it, I know I can. I am a strong woman, I just had a rather invasive bikini wax* and if I can handle that pain I am sure a little piece of material up my butt crack is not going to kill me. I have been at work for what? an hour now. Maybe its just me, maybe my body is not a thong loving body, maybe they are just cheap underwear, maybe I just keep hiking them up accidentally, maybe my pants are too tight, maybe this is some sort of cruel joke. You want to know what it feels like? You really want to know? Because it is not just some material up my ass that feels like I need to pluck it out, if only. Oh no ... It truly feels like I am having my labia flossed. And I can tell you, after this flossing there is no way I am getting gingivitis "down there". My god it hurts, it actually hurts. I have been to the loo several times to remove the offending garmet from my uterus, because that's about where it's at. There is no way in hell it does this to everyone ... no way, I don't believe it, they would not be this popular. I am sitting here at my desk, and I am not uncomfortable I am actually in pain. And these aren't cheap Walmart panties with the little cheap elastic string up the ass, these are nice panties, bought at a relatively nice lingerie store ... why do they hurt me so? Am I doing something wrong? Well I think that's it for me and the thong, I will oblige a request for ass shaking in a thong and garter belt for entertainment value but I am not ever going to wear them as my regular panties ... ever!! I think I can actually say I have had sex with these underwear .... it didn't do anything for me.

*I had a bikini wax on Saturday, I have only braved the bikini wax a few times, I am usually a shave or neet kind of girl. So I had one done by this Polish woman who kept talking about going to Cuba as she inflicted the hair ripping, stomach heaving pain. It seemed to be taking her an awfully long time, and she seemed to removing an awful lot of hair and I am not a hairy person. I didn't know where the hell she was getting it all from, and my god it hurt! Then she says to me "Next time a Brazilian" I say I don't think so, and she says "it's only only more wax strip ... that's all ... next time a Brazilian" Well I figured it would be rude to reach down and start feeling around. So I had to wait until I g0t home. Oh, it's all gone ... I am bald .. except for a small patch in front and well I guess the back part we all dread about the Brazilian, which I am assuming is the last wax strip whe was referring too.

nerd

2005-08-25T21:35:00.000-04:00

10 reasons I am a nerd

I willingly took courses (albeit a decade ago) called "Number Theory" and "Irrational Numbers" - trust me you don't want to get a number irrational, it just cannot see reason.
I think math jokes are funny, see above.
My parents bought me a telescope for Christmas when I was 20, because I asked for it ... not clothes or a leather jacket or CDs ... a telescope, so I could check out a meteor.
Weather fascinates me, I actually really enjoy talking and reading about.
I like to point out factual inaccuracies/improbabilities in movies, thus ruining it for every one else watching "insert completely unrealistic stupid movie here".
I like documentaries about things like spelling bees.
I like to make lists about things like this.
I love useless trivia. I love reading it, I love hearing it and I love playing trivia games.
Yesterday I made up mathematical equations to discuss whether dirty talk was inversely or exponentially related to fun. There was algebra involved.
As I write this list I have a pencil in my hair, hell I always have pencils in my hair.

new format

2005-08-21T19:08:00.000-04:00

I thought I would try a new format here to make it easier to read and more pleasing to the eye. Please let me know what you think.

perfect 10

2005-08-20T16:32:00.000-04:00

I decided to finally shower the hangover off of me, well that and I am supposed to be going out later so I should probably look and smell presentable.

So I am in the shower, washing my hair, feels good. Washing my face, ahhh refreshing. Then I start to wash my body, start with the arms, pits, chest, back, bum .... what the ...

I feel something strange on my bum. Well I have to admit I was a bit alarmed, then I managed to disgust myself as the possibilities of what could be stuck on my ass ran through my head. So I try to wash it away, not think about it and just make myself clean ... only it's not just washing off. I have to do a further inspection ... I feel it and I am still perplexed so I pluck it off. It was stuck right on there. It was stuck because it was a sticker. It was a little sticker with the number 10 on it.

I don't how, I don't know when, I don't know why. I mean I DID have a bit to drink last night but surely having my ass graded would not be forgotten so easily, I seem to remember the rest of the evening.

At least it was a 10 and not like a 6.5.

sing-a-long with the drunk

2005-08-20T15:22:00.000-04:00

I went out last night.

I drank:
1/2 bottle of red wine at dinner
1 PC low carb beer ... it's not very good
2 raspberry swirl frozen slushy drinks at a restaurant bar
1 Coors Light at some pub on my street I had never been too before, it was pretty dull
1 Coors Light at another local pub but it was closing
3 Coors Light at the local hot spot, there was a cover band
1 Labbat 50 back at my place

Today I have a headache and I ran out of toilet paper ... payback for forcing my friend to listen to me sing along to Farewell to Nova Scotia and Barretts Privateers and telling him he just didn't understand. No wonder people don't like me.

a case study in dating part 2

2005-08-18T19:05:00.000-04:00

This is a continuation from my last post, you may want to read that one first.

I can only imagine what he must have thought after that first date. Quick recap: He comes to pick me up only to have my friend, the one who didn't want to give him my number, point out pubic hair on floor that was now on her candy (I swear it was only carpet lint), imitate how I, his lovely date, drags her crotch around on the floor then finally gets to hear comments about my shedding pubic regions as we leave. On the way to the movie he has to listen to me try to explain the fact that it was not pubic hair, Cara was just being funny. Sat through a 3 hour long movie then he took my tired and cranky ass to a restaurant only to get bitchy looks and sworn at when he makes a comment about my ears. All I can say is that I must have looked really hot in that PVC skirt on Halloween, because he wanted to go out again.

So date 2: He picks me up ... Cara was not there. I can't remember exactly all that happened on this date (until later) but I think it played out like this. We went to play pool at a hall down on Barrington Street. While playing we talked about stuff ... you know all that good stuff first dates are filled with. Where'd you grow up? Where did you go to school? What have you been doing since High School? How do you like your job/school? How'd you get into that? It was a pretty good time. I learned from this conversation that he hated TV and did not own one. He learned from me that I actually had seen the Iron Chef and I knew what he was talking about and I thought it was pretty funny. Now I know everyone knows what the Iron Chef is now, but back in 1999, in Halifax anyway, I don't think many people did. I had just happened to see it on TV at about 3 am on some PBS channel. I think I may have been slightly, or completely, intoxicated ... but I had seen it nonetheless. This impressed him. He said he had some videos of it but couldn't watch them because he did not own a TV ... so we decide to go to his place and get them and watch them back at my flat. So back at my place we watched the videos, talked about cooking and generally had a nice time.

This second date was going really well. So he kissed me, it was nice. The second date make out session began. So after making out for a bit I guess I slipped my hand under his shirt and he stops and he says to me .... I have to warn you I am really hairy. I respond ... what? Um ok, how hairy are we talking here ... he says ... I have a REALLY hairy back. I burst out laughing ... I cannot stop. I just could not stop ... I was laughing so hard I rolled off the futon, I was laughing so hard I was crying. It wasn't because he was hairy that I was laughing ... it was the whole situation ... it was the fact that it killed the mood in 2 seconds flat ... it was the fact that I was laughing about it ... it was the fact that it was so awkward because I could not stop laughing. It was bad ... very bad. Once I stopped laughing I think he told me he waxed it in the summer, this made me laugh again. He eventually left and I did not hear from him again.

A few weeks later Cara asked what happened with him, I told her I didn't know, he just stopped calling me. I couldn't tell her what actually happened. She told me he had said he didn't think I was interested. I felt horrible about it. I was so embarrassed about it afterwards. I am not going to lie and say that I think hairy backs are super sexy, but you know, I am far from perfect ... remember my ears??? ... and to be honest that sort of stuff doesn't bother me too much ... it was just the situation. So I think I saw him a month or 2 later, I bee lined it to the toilet, which I am sure made him think I was the biggest bitch ever. I was just far too embarrassed to face him.

I was a horrible date ... horrible. I am sure other people could tell you where, when and how I was a horrible date, but that has got to be my shinning moment. Maybe it's because he didn't deserve it. Everyone else I have been horrible to, most definitely deserved it. I mean why else would I have been horrible? The worse part about it all is that I didn't even have the sense to wait until after I had gotten a gourmet meal out of him before I laughed at his body.

Two years ago I was back in Halifax and I took Cara to the restaurant he had worked at for her 30th birthday. After 6 cosmopolitans, our delicious dinner, making fun of Jason Priestly and his entourage and our chocolately desert I think we asked if he still worked there. He didn't … thank god. What the hell would I have said ... Hey ____ remember me, we went out a few times, yeah I'm that girl who laughed at your hairy back, sorry ‘bout that.

a case study in dating part 1

2005-08-18T12:49:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't say I date a lot, but I have dated my fair share. I have had good dates, bad dates, so-so dates and dates that well ... I'd just as soon forget. I would like to think that I am a nice date, however I was reminded today that I am not so much. In fact I am probably one of those dates people would just as soon forget. Here is a sample of one poor sap who dated me ... albeit twice, I think that was enough for him.

Halifax, Autumn 1999.

I was living with one of my best friends and her boyfriend, our lease was up and we were leaving. They were moving to a townhouse, me to an apartment closer to university. A friend of theirs, who owned a truck, was helping with the move. I of course asked him to move my bed and dresser for me ... that was all the furniture I owned then. I ran into him a few weeks later at a bar, it was halloween, I was whored up in my PVC skirt, fishnets, knee high boots and cat ears. Halloween is such a good excuse to look like a slut, throw on some cat ears and voila you are cat woman ... ANYWAY back to the story. I ran into him on the dance floor I think, we had a few drinks chat for a bit and he offers to walk me home ... or maybe I just made him walk me home ... I can't quite recall. We get back to my place chat for a bit and fall asleep on the futon. It is possible that we made out a little bit, but I really don't think we did, I think just some very innocent cuddling while falling asleep on the futon. The next day we got up chatted with the roommate and then he left. Later that week he went to my old roommates place and asked them for my number. My old roommate and bestest friend, let's call her Cara*, says she'll have to talk to me and get my permission first ... well that had to be a bit embarrassing, but Cara was looking out for me, she always has been and always will be (I hope). She gives me a call, I tell her its ok, she asks for details I tell her to fuck off and she gives him my number. He calls, we make a date.

Date night arrives and I am doing my hair and putting on makeup, my roommate is at work so it’s nice and quiet, just listening to some music and getting ready. Bing Bong ... what the? Why is he so damn early? Oh no, it’s just Cara showing up unexpectantly. She comes in and asks why I am putting on makeup and doing my hair. I tell her I am going out with this guy and she gets all ... ooooooo going on a date ... she probably made up a song too. I told her she could just leave then if she was going to embarrass me ... she laughed, then got all offended that I thought she could or would possibly ever embarrass me, then tells me she is staying and wants to hang out after I go. That's fine, I finish getting ready. He arrives and comes into my flat, the three of us have a nice little chat for a few minutes about this and that.

He was a chef, he worked in some swank Halifax restaurant, he was (for what I could tell from 2 dates) a nice guy. Case in point, he says to us .... oh I have some candies from the restaurant ... and gives us each a candy. Nice … sweet … I like candy. I unwrap mine and put it in my mouth, Cara attempts to do the same but she drops hers on the floor. Now most people would just pick it up and throw it away, but not Cara … oh no. Cara picks it up looks at it, starts wiping away some of carpet dirt then wrinkles her nose and yells …. Oh gross there’s a PUBE on it … and picks off the offending “pube” (it was carpet lint by the way) and looks all horrified and disgusted. You really have to know Cara to visualize this properly. What the hell am I supposed to do? I was so horrified that she did that … so I laugh and say something along the lines of … well you know how I am constantly rubbing my crotch on the carpet. They laughed … well he laughed … Cara could not just leave it at that …. Oh god no. She starts to imitate a carpet crotch rub … I am not so amused. I take that as our cue to get the hell out of there. She is laughing and yelling something about my shedding pubes as we leave.

On the way to the theatre and I say something like … Gotta love Cara, she’s so funny (insert forced laugh here) it wasn’t even a hair … seriously, I just vacuumed today. He responds with something about how his friends do all their cleaning naked and it really makes sense if you think about it. So he thinks I have a pube infested carpet … great. We go see a movie, Fight Club, which is a good movie but maybe not for a first date, it is long. I was pretty tired when it was over, but we went for nachos anyway. I got ID’ed when I ordered a beer, while I was 26 I was still getting ID’ed. So I pull out my drivers licence, as does he, and we get some beer. Of course the IDs are out so we had to exchange. He looks at mine and says …. Heeheeee your ear is sticking out of your hair, it’s cute. Well I was pissed. Anyone who knows me, knows that what I hate most about my body are my ears and my hair, together I loath them. I ripped the ID out of his hand, put it in my wallet and gave him a dirty look. He smiled, the nachos came. We ate, I bitched about how shitty they were and how tired I was. While eating I saw him looking at my ears, I called him on it …. Fuck off and stop looking at my ears I said as I fluffed my hair. He drove me home.

He called me a few days later and asked if I wanted to go out again. I agreed. Although the ear thing bugged me, he still wanted to go out after Cara showed him how I rub my crotch on the carpet and my sensitivity about my ears made me bitchy, I figured he must have really liked me. And I have to admit, I do have big ears and fine hair, and in that drivers licence picture the angle was bad, the lighting was bad, my hair was bad and all of that combined actually created an ear shadow on the backdrop, which was pretty damn funny … he just wasn’t supposed to point that out … you know until we had at least had sex … it’s only polite.

Date 2 to follow.

*The names of the innocent have been changed, but since Cara is not innocent that is her real name

oh well that's annoying

2005-08-17T22:19:00.000-04:00

Oh my god I am going to scream, I just wrote this great, long blog and for the second time this week I go to save it and it erases the entire thing ...I could just scream ..... scream I tell you. Now I am going to have to try to rewrite it and it won't be the same, won't be as funny or as witty. Gaaaaa why is my life so hard ... why I ask why? I try to be a good blogger, but the blogger gods are against me. Ok life is not that hard ... in fact on the grand scale of things my life is pretty sweet, I mean it must be pretty sweet if my biggest problem is that I can't post a blog ... which is why the blogger gods are trying to keep me down.
I'll attempt it tomorrow, but I can't help but feel so disappointed.

no one likes a quitter

2005-08-16T08:03:00.000-04:00

I quit smoking ... yes finally kicked the habit ... well for 5 days so far. The problem with smoking is that I kind of enjoy it, especially when I have a lot on my mind. So why did I quit? Well as much as it makes me feel better to sit down and have a smoke to help clear my thoughts and think straight, it was making the rest of my body feel pretty shite. I don't like stinking like cigarettes, I don't like the taste it leaves in my mouth, I don't like coughing, I don't like the thought of getting cancer or emphysema ... etc. So I decided to quit once and for all (hopefully) on Friday. Of course by Sunday I had a lot on my mind, it's not the same to try and sort out your thoughts without smoking ... sound crazy? Maybe it is, but I would go outside have a cigarette and look up at the stars and just think, or back in Nova Scotia I would go to the ocean (or at the very least the water front) ... god how I miss the ocean ... and smoking ... ok ok stop thinking that.

I thought I would share some of the things you hear as a smoker, by non smokers of course. I think they think they are enlightening a smoker by saying these things, or maybe not ... I don’t know exactly but they love to say this stuff regardless.

You know that's bad for you? or That will give you cancer ya know? What? really? Since when? How come I am only hearing about this now ... thanks for enlightening me (as I butt out my cigarette)

Why do you smoke? Because it looks cool. Why do you drink coffee? Why do you bite your nails? Why do you feel the need to tell other people what they should or shouldn’t do? You know you probably shouldn’t but it just feels good.

It’s unhealthy and disgusting, you should quit. Hmm you don’t hear me telling you how unhealthy and disgusting it is that you are morbidly obese, you don’t hear me telling you that you should go on a diet and get your ass to the gym and lose 70 pounds … why? Because that would be RUDE.

Have you ever tried to quit. Go away

Girls look disgusting when they smoke. Hmmm, I am not a lesbian but women look better doing pretty much anything, including smoking. Give it a rest with the sexist bullshit, you think smoking is disgusting say so, don’t say it’s only disgusting because I am female. Bite me.

Nice girls do not smoke. When did I try to make you think I was a nice girl?

I hate it when you smoke. That’s why I am doing it.

Wow you smoke, you don’t look like a smoker? In your head what exactly does a smoker look like? Do you actually go through life thinking you can tell a lot about a person just by their looks? Wow you’re shallow.

I quit __ years ago … I blah blah blah. No one likes a quitter. Reformed smokers are the worst.

2005-08-10T12:36:00.000-04:00

That's just about evil enough.

hot and weird, that's right ... hot and weird

2005-08-09T12:04:00.000-04:00

This morning I was lazy and couldn't be bothered to iron my blouse for work, instead I decided to wear my little denim jacket over it. Brilliant idea as it is only about 38 degrees outside ... I am not too bright sometimes ... ok that's not true, it's just that my laziness can over take my common sense any day. So I am sweating and pondering some deep thoughts over my lunch hour.

A friend of mine told me I was weird on the weekend ... where the hell do I get these "friends" anyway? Ok so he says its not a bad thing it's not like I am bad weird. What the hell? Weird is weird, ok there maybe different levels or weirdness but it's still weird ... don't start telling me there is good weird and bad weird after you called me weird, because I don't want to hear it. So why I ask, why am I weird? No response I just am. Ok now I know that I am not the most "normal" person there is, but I guess we all think we are pretty normal. In reality everyone is weird,some are just more than others. I am guessing since it was actually said that I was weird I must be over 50% weird. What is it about me? What is it that I have done or still do? If it's a good weird why? At what point does it become bad weird? Is it weird that I am thinking about this?

Wow I sure said weird a lot on that post, it sounds kind of funny now ... weird, weird, weird.